I still won’t think about my real personality. I need to find it but iv been pretending to be this overtaking leader all my life and acting like I just know where I’m coming from and where they’re coming from in the conversation, like, giving them reassurance when the truth is I may as well be 2 years old because I don’t know the social norms of what people want generally and I don’t know how to sus what I’m suppose to display. I am not naturally a leader, I am a learner and an undertaker with a sense of humour and positivity and loyalty and articulateness but no fight in me whatsoever. I can’t fight no matter what happens, it just doesn’t feel right for me and it also doesn’t feel right when people try to undertake me. I need a very specific model of a persona in my life to be friends with and I have found them before but just never knew to keep in contact with them instead of talking to the people I that didn’t really work for me as pratice.

I need to avoid people who worship my (opposite of dominance). I need to avoid people who are looking to take my lead but I actually need people to keep hitting me down all the time. The personality I have now is excitable, nieve and hyperactively imaginative and I talk on tangents that usually turn into something hilarious all the time but that is not the real me. I fact I am serious, defensive, pessimistic and socially stunted yet sturdy, rooted and invincible at any attack made to try and steer me in another direction. I love being bullied and feel in my element when playfighted with.

I believe in being there for my one’s and aim to learn to fend which is my drawback. I talk in retaliation to anything positive or negative they say but Don’t take it personally.

How do I just start being my real self and stop these hyperactive stupid tangents I keep going on, trying to sell my conversation as if I’m flirting all the time? How do I come from the position they are targeting me at and not somewhere completely different and how do I know the position they are targeting my at. Its like, when they throw a hit at me, I change places and throw a hit into the air somewhere random and expect them to just keep appearing there for me. I think that’s my autism. How do I learn what tones of voice to use and bond with their direction when Im just pretending I know. How to I gather material to talk about without gossiping personal shit?

I have to form a brand new personality from being lost in the dark somehow and speak my first baby words somehow!