i got on this site to see how other people cope with this…i'm stuck and i dont know where to go….ive been depressed off and on for years but this time its realy hit me hard…it hit me about 2 months ago…..i dont get therapy or take meds..

i tried it 10 years ago..when i couldnt sleep.it made me sleep to long and the other drug made me hyper and eat like a pig and gain weight fast. it also made me angry and want to hurt people so i had to stop. the physciatrist didnt realy do anything or offer me any help in the sessions we had. all she did was ask few questions and take some notes and that was it…..so i never went back………

im to the point where im trying to look forward to something but nothing i can see in my life or future makes me want to live…..

i dont have any hobbies anymore or much friends. i only have one true real freind i can count on….shes been my freind for 13 years. she is the most beautiful person in the world inside and out..i wish i could be strong like her. shes trying to help but she doesnt know how and i only frustrate her and pisses her off….she to has had a hard life and depression in her past as well but she learned how to tackle it years ago.. she is a positive person…i look up to her and sometimes i wish i could be as inspired by life like her.

all my friends are married and dont even call me anymore. i cant even call them when i need something…they never return my call and say they never saw it…i think we all know all cell phones show missed calls…how do you not see that?

im lost and i dont know where to go now. i feel that i have nothing to look forward to. i have no children or wife or girlfriend. i used to be married many years ago but i was cheated on. i have met many beautiful women in my life but none have ever stayed in my life or took me serious… i havent had a relationship in 17 years. i have had my share of one night stands but nothing real.

other then not having a social life no women or friends all i got is my job…i like what i do and my boss pays me well and thats all that keeps me going at the moment.

but i seem to be getting worse where i feel like i may hurt myself….i dont want to go out that way…. i attempted it once when i was in highschool…and i planned it one time in 2001 but ended up flushing the pills in the toilet.

this time i dont want to get in that mode again….i own a gun now for self defense…but i dont think i could that. id rather drive off the road and make it seem like i feel asleep on the road……..

i dont want to die but i feel like ihave already died inside…

i havent felt like this in a long time…..i usually find a way to get out of my depressions but this time i cant…..i cant get out of this one….i usually have something to look forward to but i cant find it right now…

well i usually am positive and confident person but i dont see anything in the future to look forward to right now…… my goals are gone i dont care for them or trying anymore…all i see is myself lost and not knowing where to go ….

over the years i have been high and low but this time its very bad. the other two times i hit low i came close the killing myself.

i hit low throughtout my life but not as low as i  feel know. this time i feel buried.

i know theres people out there worse then me and i feel for them….i just dont know where to go next……..