Well this is officially my first post on this site. I've decided to try and blog everyday or every few days just as a way for myself to reflect. Now you may be asking, if it's just for you why aren't you just keeping a journal? My friends, the answer is simple; I'm horrible a journaling and this way I feel like I'm being held accountable to do it. Not that I expect anyone to read this but you know what I mean… or maybe you don't but I know what I mean and that's the important bit right? Right.
So! I've just entered a few weeks ago my fourth semester at Berklee College of Music in Boston (I feel like I can say this without fear of being stalked because well frankly it's just way not enough information to find me). Though I'm at the most prestigious contemporary music school in the country, I find myself upset a good 80% of the time I'm here. A huge part of it is due to my less than desirable roommate/ex best friend. We'll just call her…. "Lola". Lola is a royal pain in the butt, and a rather shoddy friend which I never noticed until I started living with her. Biggest mistake ever. I admit it, my parents were right and I should not have lived with my best friend. But alas, such is life and such is the apartment I am apart of until I sublet for the summer. I do however have another amazing roommate who I shall refer to as "Reilly". She is amazing. She also suffers from serious problems with depression, but we have become really close and have found in each other a lovely source of companionship. We just understand each other. It's great.
The other part of my being depressed however, is just overall generally being depressed. Clinically that is. There's really not much I can do other than try and get myself out of bed and to class in the mornings which I admit is usually a struggle. But once I'm there it's usually ok. I just need to get there. That's the problem. I'm working on it though. In fact, spending my day out of the apartment today has reminded me how much better things are when I'm not there.
So other facts about my life right now. I have a four month old kitty named Harper. He's fantastic. I play a billion instruments…or ya know, five. But a billion sounded more impressive. I love anime. Naruto is my favorite along with Bleach (still haven't found time to finish it). I have a scary love of America's Next Top Model (yay Nicole for winning this cycle!) and I love my family more than most normal college students should. I would much much much rather be home than at school. My sister and I get along so well. I love her so much along with my other sister. My parents are also great, and they've been so supportive of me recently which I've really really needed.
Well I thought I was going to have class at 6 but seeing as I didn't read my teacher's e-mail well enough I have just now learned that I do not in fact have class tonight. Awesome! Lame because I walked here in the snow and sleet, but AWESOME! I guess this means I have a little time to go into what happened this summer and how it changed my life forever, and why I love my family so much.
I have an eating disorder. Anyone who looks at me never thinks I do, but I do. It's called Binge Eating disorder, and it is a very serious thing. Some people say that it's just being overweight and not eating healthy, but let me tell you mister there is a giant difference between an unhealthy lifestyle and being addicted to food. That is essentially what it was for me. And addiction. Alcoholics drink when they're depressed, I ate. I ate a lot, and I was in miserable shape. See, I would be depressed, so then I would eat which would make me more depressed which would make me eat even more etc. It was a vicious cycle. My parents knew for a really long time that I had this problem but I was so defensive about it that there was nothing they could do. They just had to wait until I was ready to face the facts, and I did.
Last year at the very end of my spring semester I called my parents in tears and told them I was ready to get help. About two weeks later after school ended, I was on my way to an eating disorder treatment facility where I remained for six weeks. Now before you get your nickers in a twist let me say that this place was amazing. It wasn't some sort of hospital or anything, it was more like an amazing retreat. I had therapy everyday multiple times a day and I made some amazing friendships there. Needless to say it completely changed my eating and the way I cope with my depression and probably saved my life. I came home a new person and ready for the school year.
Now I'm back, but the problem is I'm so miserable here most of the time. Even though I love my classes. Even though I have great friends. Even though I'm finally getting involved in activities, I'm still unhappy. I'm not really sure what to do about it anymore, but I'm hoping that maybe I'll be able to find some sort of support and comfort here on this site. So if you've read this whole thing and put up with my ramblings and such, wow. You have no life. Kidding. I guess my story is kind of interesting in some ways. Peace and love to everyone.
Cheers, Elodie. <3