So here I am on New Years Eve sitting in my room wondering what happened to my life. I know this may sound silly or stupid to some. But as I sit here listening to last nights Phish show I feel so lost. Why am I not in NYC gearing up for tonights Phish magic? How can I have let go of so much of my life. I sit here sobbing and shaking for that blue eyed girl that was full of wonder. Dancing her ass off…not worried about the past or future just was living for the right now. Where did she go? Who have I become? This insidious disease of depression has stripped me of everything and I am left this dark raw nerve. Broken, wounded. Unable to feel…anything but sadness. I feel sad because I have lost that passion…that spark that brings joy. I am not exactly sad that I am not in NYC to go to the show I am sad for what I have become. Sad that the wide eyed, spirited girl no longer exists. I miss her. My friends do too.
New Years is a time of reflection and hope. Reflection on the past year and all its trials and triumphs. And hope for what the new year may bring. I have had many trials over the last year, very few triumphs. I have very little hope for 2011. Maybe just a small smoldering bit. Maybe it can become a fire.
Thank You God for my survival; it has been a very trying year and we both know that I did not always want to survive; but you know better than I. Please God help me to find a part of that girl who felt free. I want to know her again. I want to feel again. I want my heart to swell up with pure joy until I think I just may explode. I know she has got to be in there I feel little flashes of her like a chill down my spine. But she is so covered in darkness and despair. I do not know how to find her alone.