today is one of those days when I really want to pray, but I gave up the practice out of some sense of integrity or honesty or maybe foolish pride. All of the above and more, probably. It’s a spot that keeps shifting around when I try to pin it down, and I know I only have the tiger by the tail. a part of me knows I was never one of the faithful, another part feels fallen from a great height. The former accuses the latter of pride and self righteousness, the latter pleads for grace and takes the accusation as some sort of persecution that is only reserved for those who truly believe. And then the rational me sits as referee, scientifically analyzing and psychologically theorizing through the empirical data of the mood swings and tendencies and habits of thought and action and dismisses my religious complexes as chemical imbalances and faulty conclusions based on the brainwashing and abuse of a disturbed childhood. seeing him, the demons and the lost soul I am stepping back again, seeing a tormented animal equivalent to but not accepting itself as one of a species, unable to come to any peace with its place here on this planet, its imminent demise, its responsibility to its own life or the lives of others, desiring the thing it fears, death, as an escape from its dilemma… but knowing on yet another level that death is a mere moment that is valueless except for the invaluable pricelessness it imbues on all moments preceding.
i’m virtually shocked into inaction. I’ve already quit the job and I’ve enough to take a little vacation to get myself sorted out… look for a new job that isn’t quite so stressful, at least mentally. I don’t mind getting my hands callused or using my feet for a change. I’m in good shape for nearly 40. I saw a 25 year old today and i coulda sworn she just got out of college, looking like she’s catching up with me. maybe she smokes too much or something. she made me wonder if i had been bitten by a vampire. I feel that evil sometimes. that’s what makes me want to pray. this overwhelming feeling that I did something terribly terribly wrong and that’s why god can’t hear me, that something really bad is happening to my soul and that hell is already here, scheduled for a gradual worsening of torment as each mocking moment in eternal torment goes on… back to level one consciousness. I’m going to start numbering them like that so I can keep track of this insanity. Yep. Level three, the atheistic psychologist critically formulating and recording the perception yet remaining detached. It’s like I agree that I’m damned on that level, but I don’t believe there’s anything ‘damning’ me, that its simply not possible because there is no god, heaven or hell. So that leaves emotionally unstable… So why won’t I take the medicine? Scares me to d… There’s something ironic in that which keeps me from writing the word out. Seriously, though, as if I’m ever not serious, I feel like once I start taking medicines for this I’ve completely given up, lost control, and I will be a victim until someone else says whether they think I’m hopeless or not. I just don’t trust medicine or doctors to that extent.
I think i still have enough presence of mind to try to work towards a solution I can live with. First thing I’m hoping to do is get out of the city where everyone I talk to describes a similar hopeless condition, yet they don’t consider themselves damned as I do. They don’t see beyond the current crisis. They are broke almost like it’s the first time everytime, and they just need to get laid tonight like they aren’t desperate every night. They feel like they’re being oppressed, discriminated against, or betrayed, as if no one else has ever been through that and we should march a parade against the injustices they’ve experienced… maybe that’s how healthy people deal with it, moment to moment, commiserating and propitiating their hopeless states in an effort to hear someone say ‘ i understand, and it’s going to be okay, just hold on.’ Isn’t that what I’m doing right now? And I do feel a little better for getting it all down. I really do. I think I’ll be okay 🙂