wow.

this last month has been crazy mental! –

things have been pretty awful at home, my step mum & i game to a real peek a few weeks ago; i ended up leaving- but im back at home now. we had the biggest argument we’ve ever had, i mean litraly. i was terrified that she was going to hurt me, she almost through my laptop at me. its was horrible. things have settled down. but now i have to live the way she wants me to. i cant be my self- im putting on ‘happy face’ all the time. i cant show them that im misrable inside. i have to be the perfect model child. its exhausting me. my step mum keeps demanding things from me, expecting stuff of me, but she gives nothing in return. i have to make sure a big effort to keep the peace, and she does nothing., not once has she tried to make me feel part of the family, or like a daughter to her. this weekend her & my step sister went to away to the coast-just them & my step sisters friend. was i invited? was i even told they were going? no. my step has been prominsing me for 2 years she’d take to the holocuast graves in germany, she’s never got round to it. she was going to go christmas shopping with me last weekend, but she didnt becasue she paid for my step sisters deposit for the house so she didnt want to spend anymore money. but she took my step sister christmas shopping the day before.   i make n  effort to talk to kate everyday n listen to her when she talks about her day- but i feel like she’s not listening to me when i talk about mine. she makes me feel really unimportant. and unwanted. i feel even more out of place then ever.

when we argued a few weeks ago she said some really horrible things to me, that have made me feel so shit. she said i made choices when i was 13, and that its my fault and that i need to grow up and get a grip, if i want to self harm then thats my problem, and she said she didnt care.  so she basically said that the rape was my fault. which is a feeling ive battled for so long. n she’s pretty much set off a bomb inside of me-  even wen we’d calmed down she apologised for shouting, this is what she said " im sorry for shouting at you, but i dont take back what i said becasue i think you needed to hear it " // thanks. way to make some feel even more shit about them selves. she told me that i was ‘ festering’ and i would become wasted and get no where in life if i didnt pull myself to gether. she just the kind of loving nuturing supporting mother i need when im going through depression, drug taking, self-harming & sucidal thoughts.

but u no what, shes gone away this weekend, its been me & my papa all day, i made a bloody amazing sticky lemon drizzle cake, & we put up the christmas tree together. so fuck them. they will never have those special moments with my papa like i do. my step mum could give a shit about my papa. i wish they’d divorce, but i know my papa loves that witch.

so now im gona go eat cake n watch tv with my papa because im that cool.