Feeling very sad alone and left out. Shouldnt’, should just move on, but moving on takes time….it feels like forever. Can’t call mom, don’t know why Stressed. Worried. Left out. My fault. Even in my apartment I feel like a freak, like everyone else is normal and I’m just walking around with a third leg attached to my stomach. Incapable of making friends/having people who care about her.
Shaking now, dont know why. Cigarrettes? Low blood sugar? Anxiety? I want things to be okay, I want the inside of me to be okay even if things are fucked up all around. I feel stupid. Can’t concentrate to do work so am stressed about school. So stressed about people/friends can’t socialize, leading to more stress. I want to scream, I’m alone in my room but I feel like I’m surrounded by a sea of people who won’t let me breathe. I need to get away from this. Am I crazy?
Supposed to hang out with Alex tonight. More stress. He works till 11 then is coming from downtown to take me to his apartment. They’re having a party. Feel weird. Will have to sleep over….will have to find out if he is an asshole only in it for….sex. Maybe will not even go that far, maybe I’ll be up untill 12 waiting for him to call…..and he won’t….he won’t think its worth it and he’ll just go home to the party without me. That is going to be so bad, waiting. Ugh. "Friends" all went to a party last night without me. Like I need another thing to be snubed for.
Am alone. Am crazy? I feel like my skin has electricty going through it. Don’t know what to do, how to react/rebuild. If I had known it was going to be this hard coming back I would have killed myself or gone somewhere else. Awful. Don’t know how to deal, so I just keep saying, "make baby steps". Make it through the day, see what tommorrow brings. Making baby steps sucks. I hate this, I hate it. I’m tired of feeling alone and worthless. I’m tired of not being able to say how I really feel. I’m tired of constantly feeling like I’m no pins and needles. Alone, unhappy, pathetic. Making babysteps but as to where I have no idea.
