where has aprille_spring gone? she just started talking to me and i felt that she's the only person i'd ever spoken to in my life that has any similarities to myself at all. i hope she's ok. i was hoping to speak to her tonight but she's vanished 🙁

that is just the cherry on top of the day i have had. i'm completely miserable as sin and feel like this depression and mental illness is going to rip my life apart.

'the sidewinder sleeps tonite' is on, one of my usual favourite cheerful songs. but that's just not going to have that effect right now. i have not stopped crying today. i have recently (but for the THIRD time!) developed a serious sleeping problem and am now on Temazepam, as well as my Citalopram. sooner or later i will be on about a dozen types of meds like my other half is (which by the way, don't make a fucking blind bit of difference at the moment)

i wish i could understand and learn to cope with both BPD and bipolar but it's not easy and the other half seems to think i can do it overnight. i CAN'T. i just can't. i'm not capable of changing the entirety of the way my personality works in a fucking night can i?

Rome was not built in one fucking day was it???

i can't stop ranting! there's no-one to talk to. my man has fucked off christ alone knows where and my beautiful daughter is in bed, and i'm ALONE.


'everybody hurts', that's a bit more like it. that suits this mood better. all i want to know is that i'm not "doomed". that's what i told my doctor today that i am, but he said i'm not. how does he know? how many suicides are there in Scotland a year?

i just never know when to stop. this is getting ridiculous.


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