2nd one in one day…Can't sleep and I know why, its cause I slept all day…why is it so easy during the day for me to sleep and forget about my life and the misrey I am in, but at night I can't stop thinking and my head hurts, my heart won't stop beating this fast, and my jaw is tight, and the hole in my chest just keeps getting bigger. Watching stupid drama filled TV to fill my life, its the only thing that helps me cry, which at times I think it helps, but sometimes I can't stop. But these shows all have tragic things happen in them, and sometimes I wish one would happen to me so I have a reason to feel this unhappy…but I would never want anything bad to happen to people I love. Just wish I could be the one in the hospital bed with all the drugs running through my body so I could be numb to these feelings, or the non-feelings…And the one person I want to know what is going on, has her own things going on, and refuses to talk about anything anyway…I just want my mom to notice somthing is wrong before I tell her, I just want her to ask me if I am ok…what is so wrong with me wanting my mom to notice me??? What is there to do next in my life, I have met every goal in my life that I have set for myself…except one. I am so lonely, I think what I am going through wouldn't be a rough as it is if I had someone to come home to. I know I know…if your not looking for it, it will find you, but how do you not look for something that is the only thing missing in your life. I want someone there to hold me and let me know that everthing is going to be alright, and a shoulder to cry on, to hold me in the middle of the night when I have nightmares…to be there for me when my mom got diagnosed…just someone I can count on…why is that so hard? And also, how do you fall in love when you feel this bad??? You can't give your heart to someone when you don't have one to give…I am in the circle of hell…with a black hole that I can not crawl myself out of. Something about writing all this down where people can read it makes me feel better then just writing it down…I don't understand the difference…so I am sorry if I am no stop…I have a lot on my mind that I can't seem to get off.