2nd one in one day…Can't sleep and I know why, its cause I slept all day…why is it so easy during the day for me to sleep and forget about my life and the misrey I am in, but at night I can't stop thinking and my head hurts, my heart won't stop beating this fast, and my jaw is tight, and the hole in my chest just keeps getting bigger. Watching stupid drama filled TV to fill my life, its the only thing that helps me cry, which at times I think it helps, but sometimes I can't stop. But these shows all have tragic things happen in them, and sometimes I wish one would happen to me so I have a reason to feel this unhappy…but I would never want anything bad to happen to people I love. Just wish I could be the one in the hospital bed with all the drugs running through my body so I could be numb to these feelings, or the non-feelings…And the one person I want to know what is going on, has her own things going on, and refuses to talk about anything anyway…I just want my mom to notice somthing is wrong before I tell her, I just want her to ask me if I am ok…what is so wrong with me wanting my mom to notice me??? What is there to do next in my life, I have met every goal in my life that I have set for myself…except one. I am so lonely, I think what I am going through wouldn't be a rough as it is if I had someone to come home to. I know I know…if your not looking for it, it will find you, but how do you not look for something that is the only thing missing in your life. I want someone there to hold me and let me know that everthing is going to be alright, and a shoulder to cry on, to hold me in the middle of the night when I have nightmares…to be there for me when my mom got diagnosed…just someone I can count on…why is that so hard? And also, how do you fall in love when you feel this bad??? You can't give your heart to someone when you don't have one to give…I am in the circle of hell…with a black hole that I can not crawl myself out of. Something about writing all this down where people can read it makes me feel better then just writing it down…I don't understand the difference…so I am sorry if I am no stop…I have a lot on my mind that I can't seem to get off.

2 Comments
  1. thistle 11 years ago

     

    Hi, sorry for your present state of loneliness —which feels like slow torture.I'm experiencing it now,and  my advice is to do whatever it takes to get some people into your life.Support groups are one way. It's not always easy–but think about it : there are a lot of lonely people out there ,they don't walk around with signs so that you can identify them-but they are in the same boat we are.They are looking to connect as well as those who are better off.—good luck—-you will figure it out,  ed

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  2. snowdreamer 11 years ago

    I have the same problem with sleeping I do fine during the day and at night can't turn off my brain.  I used to work 3rd shift because it worked out so good for me sleeping during the day I was content then but now I can't work and it's crazy.

    As far as your mom goes speaking from experience just go to  her and say mom I'm not doing good and let it flow from there ok?  If it doesn't work out I'm a mom and grandma you can talk to me sweetie but I know it's not the same as your mom, I know…you'll figure something out but she can't read your mind and maybe she's afraid of asking because she might not know what to say so take the first step?

    I wish you well and good luck with your mom sweetheart…

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