Third blog post. Sorry I’ve skipped a couple of days.
My rush of excitement from the drop has finally, unfortunately, dropped. I’m exhausted. I’ve been exhausted for two or three days now. I feel sick and sore and I can’t focus on anything and I’m really sensitive to temperature and I hate myself even though I keep trying to help people. (Tried to help two people today: one having an emotional breakdown and one having a panic attack at the same time, poor things. It’s funny how one can easily become the light of hope, even though in the back of my mind I know I’m falling apart myself.)
Finally managed to cry today, after weeks of being unable to. Sat outside and listened to a random Christian band playing in an amphitheatre by my dorm, and I just cried. I’m so at a loss of what to do about my friends. Two of them have started visiting me occassionally, but the rest including my roommate avoid me. I don’t want to live alone again. I don’t want to lose my roommate and my group of friends… but I’m afraid to fight to keep them, because I don’t deserve them. I would just leech on them, wear them out with my depression, and I can’t force them to endure that if they don’t want to. That’s what I wept to God as I cried. That I’m afraid to be alone.
Interestingly, after I decided I’d cried enough and should return home, a young man and woman ran into me, and the man asked happily "How can we make your day better?" It was completely random, but I asked for a hug and when they obliged I burst out sobbing again. I told them roughly how I was lonely and such, and they took me to their hangout spot and I got to watch them and their friends play a d&d game. It was a cozy setting. Then the guy gave me contact information so I could hang out with them any time I feel lonely again.
…God takes such ridiculously good care of me. It makes me feel bad that I’m stuck being depressed and can’t do much anything about it. Even with that nice guy helping me, I felt down and sick and wretched. I just can’t appreciate things very often, no matter how much I want to. I’ll keep trying, though. I’ve got an appointment to see a counselor now, so maybe I can get on some medication or something soon. Seven years of this crap, I’m sick of it. I can’t wait to find an escape.