I can put something on facebook that clearly shows I am depressed and I need help, what would you do? I get comments back like "You don't put shit like that on FaceBook!" Really?! My way of crying out and someone bashes me for it! If you cannot cry out for help in the most obvious way, then what other option do you have? Suicide?
That's all I have been thinking about is dying. I can't function without some object near me killing me. I do believe with all my heart (if I have one) that everyone around me would be happier if I wasn't here. I know my co-workers would celebrate and not even invite me. My husband wouldn't have to worry about me every 5 seconds if I am cheating on him or not. My family.. well I don't exist to them anyways, so they don't count. I have no friends so nothing would be different there. I just feel that my time is running out and it shows by everyone ignoring me. If they already banned me from their life, that means I am already dead. So why not make it real?
I think what hurts the most is that out of 3 kids I am the only one who graduated High School (no praise for that) and now I am back in college. I have tried on sooo many levels to talk about school with my mom and she ignores every comment I make about it. I cannot even emphasize that either! She really does ignore it. She has never made any comments or asked about school. The day my husband and I got into college and I told her, she didn't say good or congrats, she only changed the subject and started talking about something else. So Sunday night I told her that when I graduate from here I am checking out another school for this certain program and she completely went SILENT! I heard everything in the background and not even her breathing. So I said bye and hung up. I try so hard to get people to see I can do good, but I have come to realize that when I do things like that (like telling people how I am going to further my education and get a great career job, blah blah blah) I am really craving attention. And Sunday night with my mom made me see that. I want attention. Why should I live on Earth when my one and only goal is to get attention from everything and everybody? There is no purpose to life that way. I can't make no one proud of the things I do. I have to force my husband to say he is proud of me on something, "You proud of me for doing this?" Brian" "Yeah I'm proud of you.." Yeah you really sound proud of me. What is the point in succeeding in life when no one will be at the end of it all to pat you on the back and praise you for your achievements? I know we should do this stuff for ourselves, but really… I don't need to make myself proud when everyone around me still thinks I'm a ghost.
I don't necessarily want to kill myself, I want cancer or be put in a coma. I want to see who all stands by my side while I go through something terrible as that. I want to move away and start over new and act like no one in my past life were real. How do I do that? How do I drop everything and move on? I can't. Again.. NO OPTIONS are left open for me. The one option I do want is the option to vent. I want someone to listen and help me out. I have no one. I have people tell me all the time, "I'm here for you. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you." BULLSHIT! They don't care! They don't listen to me when I talk about something other than my problems and they repeat the word "What" over and over. How can you listen to me vent if you can't listen to my story now? Then again I can't make myself talk. I try so hard to start venting and letting it out but I can't. Partly because the timing is off, another half of it is because you can't trust everyone and the rest of me doesn't want to be selfish. I know venting my problems will give me the floor and "attention" and nothing for the person listening. That's rude! What if they have problems and need them off their chest? I hate making it about me. It's not about me. They are more important than I am, so I know it isn't worth trying to vent.
So in reality, what is left for me to do? Suicide. Nothing else is open for help to me. How do you deal with life when suicide follows your every move? It's begging you to do it. You and 'it' knows,it is the best thing to do. How do you face the truth? How do you get the courage to do it? It's complicated isn't it? What is the point in living with this option? Nobody should….