Today I had the most awful day in a long time.

I’ve basically come home and burst into tears, fallen asleep, woke up and burst into tears again. I dont feel like I’m doing well in my new job and its hard as I have worked so hard for this and I really dont want to lose it just yet. i just wish for once that something would give and I could be happy for just a little bit..

My boyfriend as always tries his best but just doesnt understand. I sometimes feel like he looks down at me and thinks that I’m pathetic. Maybe I am..? Why can’t I just pick myself up, dust my shoulders off and start a new day. Fight back harder and not give up? Right now… I want to give up. I feel like a failure.. I just dont want to go on anymore..

I have no one I can really talk to either other than my boyfriend, but somethings I just wish my friends would be there for me like I am for them. It just seems to me like whenever they are down I’m there for them and as soon as I need a shoulder *poof* everybody is gone, or at least too self obsorbed to even notice that maybe I need to talk for once and them listen.

I’ve been off my meds for almost a year now.. (yay for me?!) I said to myself I was never gonna go back on them, They dont make me happy they just make me not feel anything. The rollercoaster of having to come off them isnt something I want to go through again, but lately I’ve been thinking maybe I should be back on my meds? Maybe I need "help"? I think I may have to look into therapy again. If for nothing else just for someone to talk to. Someone that wont judge me and may be able to understand and shed some light on how I feel. Make some sense out of it you know?

does life even make sense? Maybe I’m just living in false hope that there is something "normal" out there.. I mean… what is normal? Wish someone could tell me cause I just dont know anymore……..