I finished copying the blogs I could access. I went to “My Blogs” and copied all the ones on the page. When I got to the bottom, there was the option to load more. I did. I went through that page, but there was no “Load More” option. So I deleted a few I did not want strangers to read (I know you have to be a member, but I just felt exposed). Then, more blogs showed up. So I started deleting and copying. I double checked that I did not delete anything without having it in my own files. I know some are gone, as my first blog of July of last year mentions that the last time I wrote was in January of that year. But, the ones I could access jumped back to May of 2014. I know I went MIA a lot, but never had a full year gap. I was getting into bad shape in February of 2015. It was in March 2015 that I went into a daily Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP for those who are unfamiliar). I remember February as being really hard. I hard gone to my parents in January. I went back in February as Dad was going to have a procedure to drain fluid from his lung and then begin readiation treatment for skin cancer. That was the begining of his decline. I was unable to go back in March due to my mental state and I started PHP. I was in treatment until right before my uncle died. That’s about when I came back to DT. But now I am wondering about the Fall of 2014.

I knew if I began this review of old blogs, I’d become obsessed and want all of them. I had been content never accessing them, but believing I could if I wanted. Now that I can’t, I want to reconstruct my life during those times. Analyze what went on. I could get my psych records from the hospital and read what my therapist had been writing. I suppose I could scour Facebook and see what i had posted during that time. But I am very superficial on Facebook. Never post anything deep. The whole reason I came to DT was to be able to be transparent. If you do that with even a group of real friends, live and in person, you run many risks when you have mental illness. I have seen the look in people’s eyes and the “deer in the headlight” look as they wonder “What the hell did you just share?” I can’t even tell some of this to my husband or closest friends. It is scary to others when you share how you want to die. I won’t go further as I don’t want to trigger anyone’s demons. But you all know what I mean. If we could share with our families and friends, we would not be here.

I leave for vacation soon. I won’t be blogging as I think I will leave my laptop at home. I need to unplug as they say. I will have a stressful situation to deal with. I think I have written about it: My niece who started the fued in our family and precipitated a rift will be attending the wedding of my nephew in Idaho. She recently married. (Wasn’t invited, surprise, surprise. Wouldn’t have gone). I have worked out what I will say should she approach me. My therapist said it was great. Basically, I’ll tell her now is not the time our place to get into anything as it is B&T’s day. I have nothing to say to her, and to please leave. If she doesn’t, I will walk away. I have told my sister (mother of the groom) I would do this. So who knows, I may have to have an emergency log-on.

PS – I keep forgetting to categorize my blogs as Depression. I have to go back and correct it. Why can’t it be set as the default?!?!?