So Mike and I are back to our normal routine of disliking eachother and fighting. Last week was by far the worst week of them all. Between fighting with him, fighting with that horrible, horrible girl that he insists on being friends with and just all the stress and drama. I am emotionally spent. I'm drained. Depression isn't just depression it has become my entire life the last couple weeks. I constantly cry. Even at work… all I can do is cry. Our fighting got so bad he was calling me at work constantly. To cry about what people were saying or things I had said to them that they had relayed to him. It was just a f*cking mess!
So I assume the other night Nancy (one of the girls from the AOL chatroom) was sending out pictures of Mike. He PRESUMED I had given her whatever picture she was sending out and making fun of with other people. So he took one of my ugly fat pictures and gave it to Jessica (the girl he is friends with that I think is a horrible demon). She then took that picture, posted it in an email with horrible captions and send it out to people. When I had done NOTHING wrong. He just gave out personal pictures of me to someone he KNEW would do something like that!!!
I had told Nancy and Jorge (2 of the people in that chatroom) something about him that I should have not. They proceeded to spread that info around the chatroom. I then found out about that horrible girl posting my picture to people. It flew me into such a rage. I literally could NOT control myself. I did not know what to do! I was so upset, betrayed, hurt, in a frenzy! I could not control my emotions. I was screaming and crying and throwing things around my apartment. Then the idea popped into my head. I was so tired of people I was supposed to be able to trust, screwing me over. Always being the butt of someones joke. Being the one people stepped on and hurt. Being back stabbed, not cared for, hurt… sure the info I told those two wasn't something I should have. It was a small penis joke thing. But it was wrong of me. But still… he KNEW what she would do and he GAVE her my picture BEFORE I had even said a word to either of those people. Nancy had gotten the picture of him off of HIS MYSPACE! He didn't bother to ask if I had sent something to her or anything. He just up and passed out my picture – knowing how self conscious I was about my body and how I look and how I am changing it.
So I really considered killing myself. I was in such a rage. I sat on the floor with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a s*it load of pills. I put up an away message and just sat there with the bottle and pills, crying. He pretended to give a crap, begged me not too and said he was coming over. I was just crying. I had no one to turn too. No one was around. All my friends seemed to be busy. He said he was coming over and then never showed. I waited too. Cause for a minute, I thought he cared and it was like even when no one else did… he did. But I was wrong
Later on I found out he drove the 45 minutes to hang out with that girl. Having a grand ole' time. The girl who had done something wrong to the woman he claims to love and care for… he goes to hang out with on the night the girl he claims to love and care for wants to kill herself? I don't get it. I live 3 blocks away from him. she lives 45 minutes away on a freeway and instead of even checking on me, he leaves me to off and have fun? Not even stopping by for 5 minutes to make sure I wouldn't be stupid?
I know most suicide attempts are cries for help. I know mine definatly was. I just wanted someone to be there. Someone to hug me and tell me things would be ok. But I never got that. And his actions proved to me he doesn't care, he doesn't love, he's just full of empty words. Broken promises and nothing.