Almost a month into the new year and few things are changing. I’ve been thinking about myself a lot and about the things I really want. Truthfully I don’t know because I’ve never really gotten the chance to ask myself. It’s taken me this long to realize that it’s not fully my fault but that I do have some control over it. There are things I’m daring to do now that I realize were never off limits, I just assumed they were. It’s because I’m such a people pleaser but I’ve been slowly wearing at that.
There’s a lot of religions trauma and stress I’m trying to deal with. Also the questions about my sexuality. I spoke to my therapist the other day but she didn’t really seem to care or understand how big of a deal it was to me. Actually sort of felt like she didn’t want to talk about it, maybe I was reading into it but it was kind of a bad vibe. I hate when people don’t pick up on the things that matter to me. I know I should just speak up but I’m kind of tired of that. Selfishly, I don’t want to have to speak up, I want some one to lean in and pay double the attention. I just want to be selfish.
Lately I’ve been feeling some of my old self come back and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. The aloofness I used to carry to the extreme is growing on me. I feel like I’m changing but in some ways growing in reverse. I think there are things I need to change and let go while there are others I need to return to. I just can’t tell whether my lack of care is one of them. I’m feeling less and less every day when it comes to other people. Although I’m feeling more and more when it comes to me.
Today my first love told me about his first love. It was a slap to the face but I didn’t cry as I thought I might. I always suspected I wasn’t his first love but it was strange to have confirmation. I won’t lie I did cry, but I thought I’d be crushed and paralyzed by the truth. Instead I shed a few tears and now I’m done. It feels uncomfortable in my chest but I can’t cry. Idk if its because I don’t need to or if I’m losing the ability to again.
I care less and less about him. I don’t think about him less though. It’s just that when I think about him its not so nice. There’s a lot of irritation and boredom and disappointment. Some of the disappointment is for myself. I always think about how overly nice and indulgent I am with people and then they get big heads. I give people absurd amount of positive reinforcement because it’s what I wish someone would give me and I feel bad if I don’t. But truthfully I don’t always mean it. Not to the extent I project it.
But wanting to tear him down isn’t healthy. I should be glad that he’s happy and confident, so that’s something I should work on. But maybe also work on tamping down the affection I give. It’s just not appreciated. I’m so tired of spilling my guts to someone who doesn’t give me a second thought. I’m constantly concerned for his feelings and careful of the things I say to avoid causing him distress. But he does the same kind of insensitive shit all the time like calling another girl his first love while talking to me. I would never do that to him even if it were the case.
Maybe I shouldn’t care so much. I sort of don’t. First loves are overrated, besides idk if what I had for him was love or my insane need to matter to someone. I think I loved him a little, but I think I needed him more than I loved him. He was filling the task of loving me when I couldn’t. I still can’t, maybe that’s why I still feel I need him sometimes.
But I want to continue growing in that area. In showering myself with the praise and affection I shower others.
It’s such a pain being filled with so much emotion and grief but caring so little at the same time. I’m always bubbling over with something and can’t really share it or explain it or anything. I wish he cared. I was he wasn’t so boring. He really is very very boring.
I am too. But only because I don’t want to talk to him. If I could be in a relationship with him I wouldn’t want to be and I know that so I need to sort out my residual feelings for him. It could just be my abandonment issues. Saying bye is hard. I like him because he doesn’t like me. The classic daddy issue crap.
Why be friends with someone who doesn’t like you?
He said that’s just how he is. I don’t believe it for a second I’m not an idiot although I’ve let him treat me like one by swallowing that lie when he fed it to me. And quite frankly if that is how he is then I don’t like how he is.
If I don’t like him why can’t I let him go?? There’s an anxiety that if I do it’ll have been a mistake. I hold on to everything. Even things that don’t work anymore, “just in case.” This is probably the same thing but with people. Just in case I never make another friend. I can’t let him go because I don’t believe in myself and my ability to get someone else to like me.
That’s messed up. Maybe I’ll talk about that my next therapy session.
I’ve let my empathy get the best of me. I see my own pain in everyone else, but that’s just projection. I can’t treat him how I need to be treated. I have to let him go from my mind and heart. I have to do this for myself. Because I matter to me and I am not just an option. Because he’s pointless in my life. Because he’s a safety net with holes. Because I’m so tired.
He’s got to not matter if I’m ever going to really move on.
I’m about to be a cunt to him but honestly I’m just a cunt in general. He just doesn’t know it. But he’ll learn soon enough.
It’s time to be myself.
I have to let go of the girl who’s scared of everything. Especially not being liked. I’m not here to please.
It sounds like you’re going through an important moment. It’s difficult to realize how where you are isn’t where you want to be, but it’s necessary if things are going to change, which they definitely will. I think you deserve to feel some pride in that, it takes real courage to face those parts of yourself and even more to change it. I have some experience with religious trauma and questioning sexuality as well, I think a lot of people can underestimate how important those things can be for a person’s sense of self and identity. They shape how we interact with others and ourselves, and even effect our total worldview. Therapists are people too, and they make mistakes. It’s totally possible that she didn’t mean to dismiss it at all, but either way the important thing is how it effects your ability to work with her. Therapy requires that you trust your therapist, so I would encourage you to try and bring it up to her. As for finding someone who genuinely cares about you and recognizes what is important to you, I feel like that’s something a lot of us are looking for. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to find that person and haven’t had much success, but I’ve also started to think that maybe I’m just missing something that’s right in front of me. Authentic human connection is such a strange thing because it can look so different for different people, and if two people aren’t able to recognize one another’s authenticity they won’t be able to have that connection even if they both want it. I don’t know though, I wish I had a good answer for that. I’m rambling, but basically I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in these feelings and I strongly believe that you’re heading in a good direction.
Thank you for taking the time to say all that. In a strange way it feels good to hear I’m going in the right direction. I know the statement is based on limited information and only I can decide things for myself but validation is nice lol. I think you make some good points, it just takes courage I don’t always have to bring up the things I’m struggling with.
The second half of what you said was very interesting to me. It’s something I think about often. I think it’s possible for two people to genuinely care for each other but show it in different ways and there’s essentially a miscommunication of love. But sometimes taking people at their word is rough, especially if their actions don’t match what they’re saying. I don’t think I’ve developed the sense of when someone means it and when they don’t. But I always second guess myself and I feel like I need to listen to my gut, and my gut says I don’t have very good friends. And isn’t it possible if two people are very different that they each go a little out of their way to show the other person care in the way they need it? I do that for him.
Do you trust your gut? (Also I really liked the quote on your header, I wasn’t snooping I was just making sure you weren’t 13 so I didn’t dump my anxiety onto a poor child haha.)
I really related to what you said about constantly giving positive reinforcement but never receiving it, and you seem like you’ve been putting a lot of thought into things so even if my information is limited I trust in your ability to choose the right direction. I wanted to give you validation because it sounded like you needed it but I also felt like you deserved it.
I’ve been in a sort of an odd spot with my gut because it is very loud and opinionated but I was basically raised to ignore it completely. It definitely gets things wrong a lot, especially when anxiety enters the picture, but sometimes it nails someone ages before my mind catches up. I think I’ve started to listen a bit more to what it has to say, but I never act on it until my mind has gathered enough evidence to satisfactorily prove or disprove its hypothesis. Until that point my mind tends to give people the benefit of the doubt while still keeping them at a safe distance. I still don’t like the idea of trusting it, but I think it is worth listening to because I think the “gut” has access to the unconscious parts of our minds that process far more information than what our conscious minds have access to. So I guess that’s my silly little rationalization for listening to it haha.
I’m still trying to find the right balance, and both my mind and gut keep finding new ways to get things wrong. I keep trying to go out of my way for people and find a way to change my behavior to make things easier for them but I’m clearly still missing something. Maybe I’m just too weird lol.
There’s nothing wrong with checking profiles! I do it too, it’s weird that they don’t separate age groups on here especially with the lack of moderators. I’m glad you liked the quote, it’s from a book I read recently called “When Things Fall Apart” by Tibetan Buddhist Pema Chödrön. It’s the most impactful book I’ve read in a long time; there’s a lot of challenging ideas but I love the way it changes your perspective on things.