Letter to My Mom…

Its been 16 years and 135 days since you gave birth to your first baby girl, your second born baby. My memories are faint of you as all I remember is what has been told to me. I want those memories back. I want my mom back. You left all 3 of your babies’ lives, they needed a mom. The memories I have of you, are the supervised visits at your drug rehabs, and sometimes the parks. The last time I saw you was probably about 10 years ago. The last time I spoke to you was about 8 and a half to 9 years ago. You always made empty promises. Promises that you would see me soon and promises that you would be sure to get me a birthday present. All I wanted was your love. For my 8th birthday you promised me a barbie coloring book. That was the last promise you made to me. When I was about 8 and a half, you called one night and I told you I didn’t want to talk to you anymore. All you did was cause me to lose hope. There are so many things that I want to tell you. Some of these things you might not want to hear but I think they need to be said. 

I’m 16 now, your little girl can legally drive, can you believe that? I graduated from 8th grade during a pandemic doing all honors classes. I’m now in 10th grade, and pushing through my highschool years. I got accepted into EVIT!! I’m going to be going into the nursing program. I hope you’re proud. My dreams are to be a pediatric nurse. Highschool has been very hard, not being able to ask questions that I would want to ask my mom, such as boy, sex, drama etc. But I’ve stayed strong. Ive done some self discovery and have found out that I am non-binary, leaning towards the male side or the spectrum. 

You’ve missed a lot in my life mom. You missed my first crush, my first parent-teacher conference, my first period, my first diagnosis, and my first breakdown. I wish you were there to help me through all of these things. You’ve caused a lot of hurt in my life. You may not realize it, but it hurts. A lot of nights I cry myself to sleep wishing I could be with you…to have a mom that loves me. That’s all I’ve wanted.

I want to say that I don’t blame you, I forgive you, because I know the effects that substances can have on the mind. I hope that when I turn 18, we can reconnect again and maybe have a relationship. I would love that mom. I hope that you welcome me back into your life. Even though you haven’t always been there for me, you are still my mom and will always be my mom.

I hope to see you soon.

Love, 

Your daughter