So I didn’t stay sober like I wanted too. I have MJ and beers sitting in my closet at home and I have no idea why I bought more. I could have done more with that money even thought I only spent $80.  Thats my small rant about how I was trying to stay sober because all year I drowned myself in pity and i’m hurting myself and I know it.

Anyways I titled this blog as’Moments and realization because I had a lot of Oh shit moments and I can’t even comprehend how self destructive i have been lately. I realize the guy who ive been gaga for isn’t at all no where near being someone who I could consider having a future with. Only because we have been in contact for a whole year and I don’t have any clue where we stand. He reaches out to me I respond. He gets to pick and choose where and when we see each other. I don’t know if its me who wants to control so much but for some reason I hate now much access I gave him to me. I want it to stop now. I like him a lot but the longer I sit with the fact that he is in his own world as well. I wish he knew i cared about him, but i won’t tell him. I wish he knew that im always looking forward to hearing from him but i never message him first.

I guess I know and have a bad feeling. I want to get to know him a little bit. what is he like when he gets upset, can i handle it, do i want to handle it. When he is stressed do i want to handle it? When i’m busy and trying my best to be successful will he support me? or will he add himself to my to do list. will he become another person i will be taking care of. I know what commitment is suppose to look like however as time goes on the appreciation fades for some people. I don’t mind seeing him the way I do now. Its just enough for me right now. What if I want more later. will he do it? will someone else come along and convince me that this man who i have been obsessing over isn’t the one.. thats a funny thought. I will say good bye to him if I find someone who wants a strong connection with me.

I am disappointed that I don’t want to make the bond or connection strong between me and this guy. I am very disappointed that he isn’t more and doesn’t want more. I’m disappointed that its been almost a whole year and he has even taken the slightest interest in building with me. So i guess that answers my questions huh……. Then she realized that she wanted him so badly to be the one that she let him disrespect her, have access to her without a proper introduction, she let him cross boundaries. She realized that she will eventually have to let go.. Again… or maybe set him free..

1 Comment
  1. brettlea94 2 years ago

    Hey there. I agree that you need to figure out more about this guy you like. Some of the questions you asked are questions most people ask when getting to know someone new. How do they respond to stress? How do they respond when they are upset? Are they willing to meet me half way on some issues, or are they just a chore? All those questions and more are normal for most people when building relationships. People respond differently to these situations and it’s good to know before putting too much time/ energy into a relationship. I think you should talk more to this person. If you hide these feelings, how will you ever be able to know some of these answers? As for the MJ and beers, do not beat yourself up about that. Almost everyone has some kind of minor issues with something. Eating, sex, gambling, drugs, alcohol, spending money, etc. There is no one who is perfect in this world. If you do not want to do those things, exchange them for healthier hobbies/ habits. Exercise, reading, hanging out with friends, video games, outdoors, etc. There is an endless amount of ways to exchange bad habits. Just take it slow and don’t stop in proving. Have a good day.

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