Today I had a revelation while at work. Since my job doesn't require much thinking at all I'm usually stuck thinking about whatever is bothering me and hoping someone will strike upa conversation via text. What hit me today was that over the last month and a half I've been treating my girlfriend more as a burden and less as the woman I care for. I didn't do this on purpose, it just happened. I wasn't doing it knowingly but looking back it was more through body language and attitude. I broke down because I couldn't believe I could do such a thing, especially to the woman I care about, the woman I've come to realize I love. I called her to apologize and I think that was a step in the right direction, but she said she still needs time to think and doesn't believe I can change my negative attitude overnight. I told her that if someone is given enough motivation or a strong enough goal anything can change fast. If I'd known sooner that my negative attitude about the pregnancy was getting as bad as it was I would've changed it. She said this has been coming for the past couple weeks and I should've recognized the signs. The problem is that I don't pick up on subtle hints like most. I was tested for Asperger Syndrome a couple years ago at the request of a counselor and I fell just short of the diagnosis criteria (something about not having a diagnosis as a child). I have a lot of the characteristics as an adult but not enough for a solid official diagnosis. I know this isn't an excuse but if I would've told her that in the beginning a lot of this probably would've been avoided. She would've known to slap me and tell me to snap out of it rather than casually mentioning I'm being negative and assuming I was ignoring her hints that I was pushing her away.
I've snapped out of my negative streak and have been looking at the positives of having a child with her, like the thought of us 3 sitting at the dining room table enjoying a family meal together, but the damage is done and I'm afraid that may never happen. Today is our 2 month anniversary; I hope she will forgive me and give me a chance to add many more years to that number.