Well I obviously haven't been on here in quite some time so there is a lot to update but first I just absolutely need to get this off my chest and hopefully a bit more off my mind.
I got married in September to the guy who I had been dating for 4 years. He is one of my best friends and we have been really close friends for about 7 years now. Until July we had never lived together because we lived about an hour from each other and each lived near our own jobs. The move was a bit unexpected, but one of his dogs was badly injured and needed someone home all day, so since I was quitting my job anyways to move down by him after getting married, I moved down early.
At first things were good. My fiance at the time was a bit spastic but he is going through a rough child custody battle currently so I figured it was just that. I have since realized it is not just that. I have come to realize that there is far more to it than just him being upset by and irrationally obsessing over that situation.
You see my husband is a firefighter/paramedic. He's a wonderful guy who will literally help people even if it puts him into a less than idea situation. This is the guy who I have know for the past 7 years. Unfortunately, in living together I have gotten to see the whole other person in him. He has irrational anger over the smallest things and I never know how he will react. The same thing could happen ten times and you never know if he will react rationally or flip out. Initially I thought it was something along the lines of being bipolar but now that I'm thinking about it and have done more research(its amazing what all you forget after not being in college for a while), I am thinking it is more along the lines of PTSD.
I've looked on blogs and things that firefighter wives have written and it seems as though this issue is quite common, as are his habits and actions.
Anyway, after that long explanation….the problem I am having with it is that I am so on edge because of it, I am pretty much back to a place with my anxiety that I haven't been to since I stopped having to go to school. My migraines are back, nocturnal panic attacks are back, I'm constantly exhausted, etc.
I feel like it is impossible to explain to him why I'm so exhausted all the time because while he seems to somewhat understand that something isn't right, in the moment he still loses control. I know it is not intentional but it is wearing me down. Also, I feel as though he will think I am trying to make excuses.
I am just at a loss as to what to do. I don't think that expecting him to change or seek helpis an option for now. In his line of work they frown upon therapy or mental health treatment sadly. Unfortunately, I am scared that if I continue in this situation, I will just be putting myself into a downward spiral.
The scariest part is that I am somewhat stuck. I am not working and am far too embarassed to talk to my parents or family members about this. I'm just so unsure of what to do.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.