I'm hearing the song "always something there to remind me" in my head today. Not the old 80s version. The angry version, from Xena, as sung by Draco.
I cannot get away from reminders of HIM. It's pathetic. And every time, I feel that same old sting of rejection. (Thank you Charlaine Harris for describing it so well in "Club Dead".)
The sting feels deep enough to have come from something much more significant than time wasted busting my hump for an old selfish, self-centered, short sighted, incommunicative, passive-agressive, big mouthed, goofy-nosed, big chinned, superficial, duplicitous, back-stabbing boss. But that's where it comes from, alright!!
I take blame for letting myself get hurt. I let myself IGNORE THE RED FLAGS and TRUST THE A$$HAT even though MY GUT TOLD ME NOT TO TRUST HIM WITH A PAPERCLIP – LET ALONE MY CAREER.
But now, I'm pissed. Because there are always choices to make in life, and this DOUCHER chose to justify the red flags.
And I'm pissed at Fate. Every week I have another ROR (reminder of rejection) kick me in the gut. His old court reporter send me an email last week to check in (read: drum up business) and she mentioned she met his new assistant. OUCH!
I guess finding a job outside of the firm he ditched me at might help people from assuming staying here was my choice. Why should I have to do that? Why can't people just "get" that IT F***ING HURTS? That HE IS A LIAR and IS ABOUT AS NICE AS A ROOT CANAL!
Yes, his little move was "business, not personal." BUT IT STILL F***ING HURTS. And him stringing me along for months after months about staying in touch, going for coffee, wishing we would work together again in the future… WHAT ABOUT THE F***ING PRESENT, MORON??
And the fact that I'm PMSing doesn't negate any of this anger. It only makes it easier to express.