Most things aren't going so badly right now.

But Mother's Day is rough for me, since I wanted a baby and missed the good years. I was married, and we tried, and I saw the doctor and even tried Clomid. According to the drugstore tests, I was ovulating. I'm pretty sure in retrospect that I wasn't the one with the problem (especially since I was briefly pregnant when I was much younger). They wanted to see him for a follow-up on his sperm count, and he never bothered.

Finally I decided I had to accept and love the life I had, because I was too baby-obsessed, and crying daily for what was missing from my life. Shortly thereafter, he decided a baby was really important to him – but still wouldn't go back to the doctor, just wanted to have sex more often. Like it was going to magically work, when it hadn't in five years. This was one of the big things we couldn't reconcile, and we divorced last year.

This Mother's Day, my youngest cousin announced she and her husband are having twins.I'm happy for them, and I'm happy for the whole family. But I'm sad for me. I feel like I got robbed of the opportunity for that kind of love, and for "normalcy."

I'm forty. I know I could still physically go through a pregnancy if I had the resources for a donor (or just skipped the condoms, but I'm not even seeing anyone). I know I could adopt – again, if I had the resources. I don't want to start that path at this point in my life. I'm starting graduate school, and trying to reboot the career I put on hold for my would-be family. The hours I work would make it hard to raise a child by myself.

So, it's a decision I have to live with, but I wish things had gone differently several years ago. I feel like it's always going to hit me as a loss. Mother's Day will never not make me sad and angry.


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