i just recently had my intake appointment here in cali in order to see a psychiartrist soon. i have been trying to get into a shrink since i got here in late Jan. i need my meds adjusted badly! i was told that after my intake it may take up to a week to get my appointment….well its gonna take more like a month and a half…WTF is wrong with this states health care program? it\'s going to be almost 8 months since i moved here of me calling everyday and making connections and trying my hardest to get into a shrink before i actually see one. people are trying to help but its almost like lying…giving me false hope. i know they dont mean it that way but they know how bad the financial crisis is, so if they say that i am going to get into an appointment at a certain time, then i just assume it\'s true…b/c they KNOW whats going on at that moment. and if something is going on at that moment then there must be some truth in what they are saying. like maybe the schedule looked good for awhile, but if circumstances change, someone should let me know ahead of time! and if they were lying in order to spare me worry or anxiety/etc. then shame on them. i need to know this kind of stuff.

and its not like i\'m not constantly trying cause i am. my whole plan was to move out here and be close to and get a job while keeping my benefits through soc. sec. so i can pay for meds and what not, and then finally be off of soc. sec. for good. and eventually get into college and purse my dreams. it was just and still is vitally important to get my mental health balanced first. and i just made a move to go ahead and possibly try and get work before my appt. because i got scared that i wont have the money when my lease is up. i would be working through the "ticket to work program". 

I swear, here lately with everything that\'s going on i\'m about to lose it. it\'s litteraly one thing after another. some people may say thats just how life is, and it is to a certain extint. but when you have got this much stress along with all the axnxiety disorders, depression, etc, that i deal with, its just effing insane. oh yea, i am also in danger of losing my therapist cause in cali the medicaid(here its called "medical" ofcourse… just like this state to have to be different) only will cover like 12 appointments with your therapist. its effin crazy and BS.

honestly i feel like my soul is slowly being tortured in this deadly game of chess the state is playing with me, and i am in "check", mate. it\'s like the state is playing head games with me lol. maybe i should play them back haha. now that would be somethin else.