I got an E-mail from a girl I knew this past weekend, telling me that she is there for me to get in contact with anytime that I’m ready, but she doesn‘t know how ready she will be. . . And that she misses me “more than it is appropriate” and so on. . . But this is not good. . . I don’t even know now how long ago it was that I last spoke to her, vocally or through text, but the last time I talked with her I told her that was that. I spoke my peace, telling her now she hurt me, and I wished her a beautiful life. . . It killed me, and I’ve been slowly been trying to move on by trying not to think about her, removing her pictures, and so on, but I don’t know now if I really can cut her out. . . I don’t want to, but what else can or should I do?
She hurt me as a friend and disrespected me . . . after everything we were. She was the first girl I have ever gotten along with so easily, so well and so beautifully. . . I loved her just for her, for all her faults and for all her beauty inside. I loved her for everything she was, just as a human being. . . We were complete opposites when it complimented the other, and we were completely alike other times. She was the most beautiful creature to me . . ., she still is. . ., but she hurt me by distancing herself just because I told her a romantic relationship wasn’t cut-out for us now (she doesn’t live incredibly far from me, but she is in Canada). She’s attending a wonderful university right but, but she will need to transfer somewhere else to finish her doctorate. She wanted to come here, but I knew it wouldn’t be best for her, as she really wanted to move to Montreal and attend her final university there. I couldn’t have her live here, a place she doesn’t know nor isn’t her dream place to finalize her education, without her friends and family, and with very little money. What kind of person would I be? She wanted us to get a place together. . . It sounded like a fairytale. . . But, I knew it was premature, and I couldn’t risk her future just for me. This was completely her idea, but I loved her too much to allow her, as much as I wanted it. . . I told her we would just have to think of the future and try to have a good enough present while we can. I told her that she needed to work through this and just be happy, do what pleased her and have hopes for the future, and that regardless I would always be here for her. . .
As for me going there, I couldn’t up and go there. . . I still have to finish college before I’d even be able to transfer anywhere (especially to another country), and things have been so tough in my family life at this point, needing to work to help my sister finically, and physically caring for my mother, and then my own physical care after having two surgeries within a year of each other.
I know she was hurting, but I was hurting, too. She pushed me away when she knew I needed her, and while I thought about her day in and day out, worrying about her and just wanting to say how much I loved her. She understood me . . . like no-other ever has or ever given the time to. . . She wasn’t even my lover, but she knew me almost as intimately by just "knowing" me and relating. It didn’t matter who we were or where we came from when we were together. We were just us. . . Two people, two girls, two candles that were relit and set ablaze to be youthful and keen. . . I never felt pain or sorrow when she was near me. . . All I needed was to hear her laugh and speak softly to me in Russian, and then I to her in German. . . That’s all that mattered. . . We couldn’t understand each other, but we didn’t have to. . .
When I finally got chances to speak to her all she would tell me was that she was really busy with school. . . I said just talk to me when you can, that’s all that matters. . . Months roll by. . . Out of no-where one day she E-mails me and tells me that she started seeing someone. I figured as much. . . I don’t begrudge her that in particular. It made me cry (which I didn‘t tell her) and fall apart, but I would never begrudge her happiness. Never. I came to the realization that obviously she could have had time for me, though, if even just for a few times a week to send me a short message, just to let me know what was going on and how she was doing. . . I continued reading her letter and she filled it with great feelings of love for me and how much she missed me. . . But she had the nerve to tell me that she feels like she is cheating on her partner because when she is with her she is thinking of me. It insulted me greatly. I told her that she was indeed being unfair to the both of us for doing that and she had to stop. One thing that means more than anything to me is love, and I told her, as much as it hurt me, that she could not do that to her girlfriend. How would you feel if you knew your boyfriend/girlfriend was thinking of someone else when you were together? Even if she was thinking of me, I wasn’t flattered. . . I was there, always there, when-ever she needed or wanted me, but she chose to not to communicate. If she had to distance herself from me to get over me, she didn’t, as it didn‘t even work and it hurt me more in the long-run. She just choose to spend time with her friends, go out to pubs, meet someone, and ignore me, then have it gnaw on her conscience. . . Did she ever think about my feelings at all?
I patiently told her over and over, “just contact me when you can. . .” We both told each other a long time ago that we’d both always be there for one another. Our friendship was greater than that of romance, and I believed her. . . I know she still wants to be friends now, since she wouldn’t have bothered contacting me, but I’m hurt. I don’t know what to do. . .
So, as I said before. . . After she told all of that of her seeing someone else but spoon feeding me mouthfuls of I-love-yous to me, I had to write her back and I told her how it caused me pain. I had the feeling she began seeing someone before she even bothered to tell me (I could just feel it), but everything would have been all-right if she just would have spent more time with me and let me know what was going on. . . If she valued me, she could have easily have done it. . . But she didn’t.
I listened to this song and cried, cried and cried. . . (Please excuse the image the person used. =/ )
A long while I ago, I wanted to do something nice for her so I drew an abstract image of her. . . I wasn’t able to show her until close to the end. . .
When she finally got it and commented I know it meant a lot to her, but it felt so hollow. . .