It's amazing, how you make your face just like a wall.

How you take your heart and turn it off.

How I turn my head and lose it all.

And it's unnerving, how just one move puts me by myself,

there you go just trusting someone else.

Now I know I've put us both through hell.

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong

I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me.

And I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on,

I just didn't want to let it get away from me.

But if that's how it's going to be,

Straight out from underneath,

Then we'll see who's sorry now.

If that's how it's going to stand when you know you've been dependent on the one you're leaving out…

The one you're leaving out.

It's aggravating, how you threw me on and you tore me out

How your good intentions turned to doubt

The way you needed time to "sort it out"

And I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong

I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me.

And I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on

I just didn't want to let it get away from me.

But if that's how your gonna leave, straight out from underneath

Then we'll see who's sorry now.

If that's how it's going to stand, when you know you've been dependent on the one you're leaving out.

The one your leaving out, the one you're leaving out…

And I'm not saying there was nothing wrong

I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me….

Hell well tell me is that how its going to end,

when you know you've been dependent on the one you're leaving out…

I'm the one you're leaving out.

~"Leave"; Matchbox Twenty

So this is how I'm feeling today. Isolated, angry, desparate and lost. My husband and I had a huge argument yesterday and even though we "talked" about it, it isn't resolved. It's simmering, waiting to boil over, waiting for just the wrong moment to become overwhelmingly huge.

I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of the ups and (mostly) downs we go through~ his lack of communication about his feelings and thoughts and desires and needs. I'm no mind reader, I can't do things I don't know about. But I can see plainly that he's unhappy and there is nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I find myself wishing he would just get sick of all of this and go. At least I would know where I stand and who I could depend on.

I'm sick of the constand anger that oozes between us, and the resentment that still exists no matter what I do. I have a lot of resentment too, but I've worked really hard to let go and forgive all of that. I've tried to become a better listener and friend, but what good does that do if he doesn't put the effort forth to change as well? He's so silent, so quiet in his anger and disappointment, and he refuses to talk about it.

I feel like he emotionally shuts me out on an almost constant basis. He's generally a good man, but he's very passive-agressive in his anger and frustration. Then he takes it out on our 6 year-old son verbally. He bullies him, picks on him mercilessly, makes fun of him~ until I get ugly and defend our son. I finally had it yesterday, and confronted him on his behavior as a parent. I told him that more often than not he was a bully instead of a father, and that regardless of his past he needed to become the father he wished he had had, not the parents he did have.

If I leave him, this will be why. I refuse to let him beat our child down emotionally and making him feel like he's worthless. NO way. I've been through that, and so has he, but that's no excuse for his actions and ugliness.

So there it is. That's where I am right now.

I hope everyone else is doing alright and having a good weekend. Hopefully mine will get better.

<3 sadviolinist

2 Comments
  1. HoneyBunny 9 years ago

    Hope everything works out, but I'm so glad you defended your child.  Your husband's actions are irresponsible.  Best of luck to you!

     

    Honey

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  2. AlaskaMan 9 years ago

    Hello (((((((violinist)))))))….I'm so sorry that you, my friend, are hurting  right now.  It's true that only those you love can hurt you the most. I wish I had all the answers and a sure-fire solution to your pain…But I don't. I can, however, offer a bit of insight about your husband. The way you describe him, that was ME almost 20 years ago. A lot of men keep their feelings and emotions to themselves and we pretty much all suck at communication….at least until we're a lot older and wiser and have had true love slip away because of our actions, or lack thereof. There is, of course, absolutely no reason or excuse for him to take his frustration out on your son. That is unacceptable and needs to stop immediately before the seed of guilt is planted and one day your son blames himself for his parents problems. At the height of my stupidity (or lack of understanding, if you prefer) I was also close-mouthed, angry, passive agressive and growing ever distant. Finding subtle ways to push her away and never saying why. She couldn't read my mind either, and I refused to talk, no matter how hard she tried to draw me out, until it was time for the final blow. Sheer stupidity on my part, I'll admit.(now). Behind the silence and anger there was still love to be found but I had convinced myself that speaking my mind and telling the truth about what was bothering me would be even more painful than the inevitable end. That way I could only blame myself. Repeat, That way I COULD ONLY BLAME MYSELF. Is it at all possible that your husband may be doing the same thing? Could there indeed be all that love being held captive by the belief that the truth would be more damaging than silence? Could he be trying to save you from himself? I realize to a woman that may sound impossible, but to a man in my early thirties…it made perfect sense.   Again violinist, I hurt that you are hurting and I sincerely hope this may be resolved. May you find peace in your mind and peace in your heart, my friend……………..Alaska

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