Tonight is a bad night. I’m down. I’ve been up and down all afternoon after working this morning. I teach part time. It’s has become a huge challenge most days to keep from getting overwhelmed by the kids’ behaviour. I taught for 20 years with no problem at all. My class was always pleasant to work with. I loved teaching. Now it’s hard. I always look forward to it but most days I have quite a lot of anxiety in class when several students talk or act silly or just plain rude during lessons. I think it’s a mix of kids are more difficult now than a few years ago and my anxiety makes it hard to keep myself together when there are challenges.
I’ve had depression and anxiety since 17. It was very mild at first and it got very bad 10 years ago. I started waking up with the thought that I couldn’t wait until night when I could go back to bed. My kids were 11 and 13 at the time and I was married. Then I started to want to die.
I left my husband in 2009. It was too hard to put up with his abuse any longer. I was losing my mind walking on eggshells trying to do everything I could for him not to put me down or be angry with me. An example is the last Christmas morning. The kids had just finished opening their presents. He and I were on the couch. He spilt his coffee and yelled at me. “Don’t just stand there. Get paper towels”. Psychologists I have seen have told me that he is a narcissist. I person unable to feel empathy and thinks that he can do no wrong and has a super ego. That is exactly him and being with him ruined my life. I regret the day I met him. I regret having children with him. I am mad at myself for that. My kids say that they see themselves in him and are trying to behave better but they despair that it is not in them. My daughter is losing her boyfriend because she says she behaves selfishly. It’s all my fault. I gave them horrible nature when I chose this man to be their dad. I can never forgive myself.