So, hello.  I am new here this is my first blog.  My typing isn't too great due to parasthesia in my hands but it's not going to hold me back! 

I have recently been diagnosed with so many problems but the severe depression was the hardest to take and I'm not sure if I've accepted it yet.  I have the misfortune of having horrible reactions to MOAI's and Trycilics and now they want me to try this Symbyax.  I have stared at the bottle for 3 weeks now, it is still unopened.  Not looking forward to possible hallucinations and my garbage can and I fighting…

A little about me, I am a survivor of childhood molestation.  My family won't discuss it, "it didn't happen".  I was 5 when it began and it ended when I was 7 and my grandma caught me bleeding.  Thankfully she figured it out.  I began cutting myself at age 9 and began drinking at 12.  I am greatful to say I had a wonderful therapist as a teen who helped a lot.  I have been sober for a very long time, since 1998.  Being raped in your own home and waking up in the middle of it is very sobering.   

I am a survivor of domestic violence and rape.  My ex began using cocaine when I was 17.  I left him and met the most wonderful guy ever.  He stalked us, beat him up, beat me up then raped me.  3 months later, I find out I'm pregnant.  Even through the bad, I was blessed with a beautiful daughter.  My ex threatened to kill me, my love "JP" and to take my baby from me if I didn't obey his wishes.  For 5.5 years I was hit, kicked, severly beaten and raped on a regular basis.  My friends abandoned me, my family refused to see the abuse and forced me to live with this monster.  JP's parents had him leave the state for a while and stay with relatives and thats when I was raped the first time.  I waited 10 years to tell him the truth, 12 years to tell him the whole truth b/c my psychiatrist told me I needed his forgiveness to begin healing.  Life was easier for me to just let him think I was a drunk slut.  So now, i am re-living all of this and forcing him to also.  I am married to a wonderful man now but deep down I know my heart doesn't completely belong to him.  I am on pins and needles, a roller coaster of emotions and the Valium isn't helping.  I got away from my ex after my parents saw me covered in bruises.  Even after leaving him, for 3 more years he came after me.  I finally got help through an agency in our community who helped me get a CPO.  The terms of him being able to see our daughter were therapy and sobriety.  He has changed and is sober so now I hate and am fearful of a man who no longer exhists.  He is also "fortunate" to not remember anything he did to me.  I think it's BS tbh.  I have to see him all the time and will have to for the rest of my life.  It's hard, OMG so hard.  I FEEL LIKE NOONE UNDERSTANDS ME!!   

That is why I joined this site.  I hope to meet others who suffer or have suffered in like ways or have the same disease's as me.  Due to all the abuse I have developed many problems mentally.  I also have the misfortune of having a neurological issue that  isn't diagnoseable yet.  Many tests to go but I have relief in knowing the mental and physical problems aren't related. 

I'm a wife, nurse, mother, daughter, granddaughter and sister!  I want my fn life back!!  Acknowledgement and acceptance are the first steps and I'm on my way there.  I want my daughter to grow up and be proud of her mother and for her to know that no matter what happens, you can always rise up again and fight to reach the top!  She is now 11, I am 29.  We have a long way to go.  Working through these emotions is difficult and my best advice to anyone, if you have to cry, I do it in the shower where noone can hear or see me.  When I feel angry I focus on something positive.  When my world comes crashing down I take a deep breath and embrace the madness that is me.  When there are good times, I embrace them also and cling onto hope for more better days and times.  I just wish my family could accept me for who I am. I have severe PTSD, OCD, bi-polar, personality disorder, become manic and yes, severe depression, night terrors and insomnia.  I no longer cut myself!!  One victory!!   My husband is in denial BUT, I am who I am.  I'm manic, I'm beautiful and through it all i will be blissful!!  This is all for a reason!! 

Thank you for taking the time to look into my world through my eyes.  I am eager to meet others, make friends and have positive relationships.  ~Yours Truely, Blissful_Madness~


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