So it's Thursday. Yipee! No, not really. I have to go see my psychiatrist for an emergency consult today because I'm having thoughts of self-harm and paranoid thinking. My mood now from a week ago is NOT good, partially because of the headache, but mostly I think because I'm not on a certain type of medication that helps stabilize my mood and get rid of paranoia and such. So I go get to face my doctor. Fun.
I put Zachary on the bus this morning for the first time. It was harder than I expected it to be for me. And of course he became brave and stoic about it, and then happily said goodbye. Starting a new adventure as a kid is always exciting even if it's a little daunting.
I came back up the stairs wondering what I was going to do with myself for the next 2 hours of the morning. I'm not used to having them to myself, lol. So I decided to leave messages and pics to all of my friends here at Dtribe this morning. It makes me feel good to be able to let you guys know that you're being thought of no matter how bad or good a day may be going. I know how I feel when I get messages ~ it's like getting a letter in the mailbox. It makes me smile.
I'm in a weird place emotionally. I can laugh, but I could cry at any moment too. I wish I understood what causes that kind of mood instability. Stupid bipolar disorder!!! I hate this illness! It plays with your emotions like they're just toys. I feel like a puppet on a string so many days, no control over what I feel.
I have been taking control of my health some though. Aaron and I went on a bike ride last night as the sun started to set. It was a gorgeous evening and it was kind of romantic ~ except for the sweating part. I HATE sweating. I had enough of that in my years growing up working in a plant nursery. But to lose weight you have to sweat, so I'll just hush and consider it a victory. I'm also eating healthier too, and eating less. I've cut down my coffee intake ( sad face ) and sodas too. I'm only allowed one soda a day now and maybe 2 cups of coffee with fat free creamers or sugar free creamers.
I think, after 3 hellatious days, my migraine is finally gone. Thank God!!! I wasn't sure how much more of it I could take. And I was grinding my teeth because of the pain, which just made it worse. I do it and don't even notice it.
Well, wish me luck at the doc's office this afternoon. I'm sure he'll give me hell for not coming in sooner…