I feel that before I can participate fully in this forum, it is necessary I tell my story. Before anyone can comment on my current situation, you need to know where I’m “coming from”.

Half the reason I joined here is because I often find myself so desperate & overwhelmed that I just start to write on my computer – & that’s about as far as it goes. Never does anyone else ever read it or know what I’m going through & obviously I never find any answers or relief … so it all just builds up.

 

Right now I am at my limit of endurance ….

 

I am at work trying to do an honest days work but I find myself so self absorbed with my mental & physical condition, that concentrating is an ENORMOUS effort, I frequently need to go to the bathroom ONLY ‘cos I can’t hold tears back. I’m aching physically – every joint & muscle. My chest is soooo tight it hurts & breathing is even “strained” & my hands are sweaty & face hot & flushed, even though its really cold & drizzling today.
I know I’m not ill & that all these symptoms are just “anxiety” – but knowing something doesn’t necessarily mean knowing how to fix it??????

 

So how did I get to this …… read on.

 

In short … my relationship with my GF is ‘on the rocks’ over something she cannot understand no matter how hard or many times I have tried to explain just what it is she has done to make me want to break up with her.

 

Besides the relationship issues I am also under enormous stress at work, which even on its own has some of my superiors telling me to take it easy, slow down & take a holiday as soon as possible – audits, deadlines, expectations, the whole crap-shoot.

So I will tell the entire story here & leave it open for all to comment on …… it should at least make for interesting reading if nothing else???

 

Before going any further, can I invite you to glance through my profile “about me” & all that stuff – I have done my best to create a basic “snapshot” of who I am.

 

Like I said there, I have lived & worked in South Africa almost my entire life & I was separated & subsequently divorced in 2004. Although my marriage had its good moments, it was for the most part miserable – I am actually still somewhat embarrassed to tell people, but my wife was abusive, emotionally & physically, but then that would be another story entirely. The years that followed my escape from her were some of the happiest times of my life with my 2 girls (aged 6 & 13 THEN) except for ONE “small” problem – when married we shared our household expenses, etc & when I found out about her extra-marital activity & “asked her nicely” to please leave (I actually kicked her out – at which point she pulled her ’38 Special revolver on me … again, another story entirely) so when she was gone I was left to support my kids on my own COMPLETELY without any help or support from her at all. Luckily I had 2 credit cards with a large available credit limit. Obviously as the years went by I became more & more in debt, was forced to sell my house & for their own good my kids had to go back to live with their mother (much against their will) who had subsequently moved in with her parents in a large house with little or no expenses of her own.

 

In the meantime I was renting a small cheap flat & was voluntarily doing a lot of business travel to try & make extra money – it wasn’t working!!

Since living alone & not really being used to it without my kids as well as while travelling, it the evenings in hotels all over the place, I spent a lot of time on the famous social websites (Skype & FB). During one of my sessions on Skype (& after consuming more alcohol than I probably should) I stumbled on a very long time lady friend – a woman I had known since I was about 7 years old & 10 years my senior. She was very close to my brother who is the same age – their birthdays are even on the same day & she was like the “daughter” my mother had never had.

The reason she had contacted me after all the years was because my mother had asked her to “please keep an eye on Me” shortly before she passed away (my mom obviously). Being slightly drunk & reckless at the time & it certainly didn’t help that I had had such an enormous crush on this woman when I was about 17 – the “innocent” flirting started online. Day after day, week after week & had obviously at some point turned into something far more than just idle chatting online, until one day she confessed that she had fallen completely in love with me … to which I must confess, so TOO had I with her!!!!! We would be online with each other almost every waking moment of every day – we often joked with each other that we probably communicated MORE than most married couples who live in the same house. We had so much in common & had somehow, even though living such completely separate lives, shared many of the same life experiences. She too had been in 2 abusive marriages & in one instance had been put in a coma & had her jaw broken by one of her previous husbands.

 

But there was a problem with this whole scene …….

 

I lived in South Africa & she lived in the UK. But even more than this …. She was married. Although she had long before told me that her marriage had long since dwindled to nothing more than a convenient friendship & that they had stopped having sex ages before I came along. None the less our relationship continued to grow until she eventually confided in a very wealthy & close friend of hers (who happened to live in SA not far from where I was living) – she had also told my brother (living in Holland) of her total mad crazy love for me …..

Needless to say, we did NOT have a “plan” & we certainly had no clue where this was going – hell neither of us had ever experienced anything like this in our lives – her at 52 & me at 42 years old. Age did NOT matter .. it was exciting & fun & we were like love struck teenagers again – a fact even my own kids would playfully tease me about. They were actually very happy for me that I had found someone after being alone for more than 5 years – this was now during the course of 2010.

 

And then one day, her close wealthy friend had said to her, she would like to see her for a birthday party in November 2010 in SA & she would buy her the airfare.

In conjunction with this, my brother had advised (ironically HER & not me) that we should tread lightly – an online relationship was one thing but if we were ever going to remain “somehow” serious about each other, we needed to get to know each other in the flesh first – wise advice! So in light of these developments, she arranged a MUCH longer visit in November (still compliments of her good friend). This sent our relationship now into a BOOSTED state of excitement. We discussed all the thing we would do together … how “awkward” meeting her at the airport would be … that since she would be there for almost 2 months it would be like we were living together. We even spoke about the mundane, like how she like her coffee, her preferred drinks & foods .. breakfasts she would make before I left for work, dinners & barbeques I would make for her, music likes & dislikes, etc, etc, etc….. it was HEAVEN ON EARTH !!!!!!!!!

 

Even though things with our relationship were going so extremely well, my life was NOT. I was not managing to get out of debt & in fact had filed for bankruptcy. My job was also not going well – my immediate superior had recently been replaced with another, who had taken a dislike to me – I never like him either! But between him & the managing director, my life at work was becoming untenable. I may have been responsible to some degree or it may have been just misunderstanding but it made no difference. On top of this my ex-wife, who I had managed to get a job for at the same company (although in different departments) had worked her way up & had become the managing directors PA – the same MD that I reported to. I was miserable at work. My financial situation was making it almost impossible to even see my kids so was pretty miserable in my home life too. But at least I still had my Luv & would soon be seeing her.

 

I had already decided to resign after 13 years of service, although I had kept this top secret except from my Luv – we were making even more plans to somehow be together on a slightly more permanent basis – ALL depending on how we would “interact” in person with each other???????????? The MAIN reason for her extended visit … or so I THOUGHT!!

 

And then almost like a blessing from above, the company I was working for decided to make cut-backs & a voluntary retrenchment opportunity arose. This would’ve made it possible for me to clear my debt & move on with a clean start, so I jumped at the opportunity – unfortunately I was refused the retrenchment package on grounds that to this day I still don’t agree with!! THE F*%^^NG BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!! But it was the excuse I needed to tell the damn boss I QUIT!!!!!

 

Although we had gotten to know each other really well in the preceding 7 months online, there were quite obviously things about her that I did not know.

 

I already knew & had for some time that she is a VERY sexual person & had been almost her whole life. With this she is also quite open & straight forward about matters of adult sexuality. Absolutely nothing “different” or odd about her preferences or anything like that – just a very liberated woman. Also somehow a very attractive woman, who even now at 53 years old still manages to get more male attention than I can understand. I also knew she’d had many relationships over the years – certainly far more than me, some of which were quite casual & others quite serious. I have no idea exactly how many partners she has had in her life & I will never question her on it either … this is one area I feel quite secure in our relationship. For her sex is healthy & wholesome & she enjoys it as much as she can .. almost craves it sometimes, which may be strange for a woman now in early menopause.

She is also a very free spirit, caring & dedicated to the ones she loves & people are somehow drawn to her – she will make friends in the strangest places any time & she is loved by almost everyone that meets her. Completely opposite to me …. I have never made friends easily & throughout my life I only have perhaps 2 people I regard as my friends. I am a loner by nature – I had lived in my current place almost 6 months before ever even speaking to my neighbour for more than a passing “hi” …

 

I think at this stage, I should also point out that I am by nature a very nervous, highly-strung & insecure person – something I have fought with about myself my entire life. I have seen mental health professionals on many occasions throughout my life since I was at school & yet still battle with the same issues – some theories being due to an above average IQ (NOT MENSA high thought – just above average). This for me has always been more of a curse than a blessing as I do tend to over-analyze everything – which is just one more reason I have joined this Forum. Living alone for so long & LIVING IN YOUR OWN HEAD is sometimes a bad place to be. I have always just wanted to be more like my Luv & one of the things about her I was so in love with. She brought me out of myself & helped me to grow – she gave me more strength & confidence than I ever knew existed during what was a very difficult time of my life.

Having written this I can hear how selfish I have been – what she got from me I fear I will never know. She has said how stimulating I am to be with & talk to – how good I make her feel when we together – that I’m a passionate lover – how generous & giving I am – how I have made her feel young again … but whether I have truthfully been as good for her as she was for me ???????????????????

 

But I have digressed.

 

So in the meantime, while anticipating my Luv’s arrival, I had proceeded to start selling off my furniture & any assets I still had left after declaring insolvency & making my final preparations for my move to the UK to at least be nearer her. 

 

It would have been ideal if I could have arranged things just such that I would be coming to the UK at the same time as her, unfortunately I still had too much to resolve which also included serving a full 30 days notice with the company. I did however time my resignation such that I would still receive my annual 13^th cheque before leaving.
Although I had decided to move anyway to try build a new life, since my life in SA no longer had any possibility or “hope”. Some of this due to the political & security situation, but I cannot deny my motive was primarily to be with my Luv … although had no idea where it may go from there – after all she WAS STILL A MARRIED WOMAN!!!

 

Her due time to arrive in SA was drawing nearer … we were almost beside ourselves with excitement, & yes maybe some nervousness .. but it was “new love”. She had sent me her travel details, flight number, etc & I had made the necessary arrangements to meet her at the airport. Still chatting online all day every day about how we would even approach each other at the airport, how we’d kiss for the first time, what would be the first thing we would do (no dirty minds here please, ha ha ha – but yes, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife as well as everything else) when we got back to my flat & so on & so on – you all must remember how it goes when “kids” are in love…………..

BUT THEN !!!!!?????

 

Just over a week before she was due to depart, she lets me know that “plans have changed”. I will not be the one to collect her at the airport, but it would in fact be her friend (female – the wealthy one I’ve mentioned whose birthday party was the reason she had brought her friend out to SA). My disappointment was terrible, but what was worse was my confusion – what had happened to change things, had I said something wrong? What was going on – at the time she offered very little explanation & in fact I only got the FULL story yesterday – almost exactly 2 years later!! Our relationship was such that we NEVER argued & even disagreements were light – probably because of BOTH our previous relationship history & shouting was an absolute NO WAY!!! … another one of the things I loved about being with her. We were RELAXED & honest with each other without pretence or fear of recrimination – something neither of us had ever experienced in a relationship before.

 

But at the time I was just confused … & considering I was FAR past the point of no return with my plans to move to the UK, I was at best feeling extremely vulnerable & “out on a limb”.

I have many times since then tried to remember what I said & how I reacted in this instance, but I just can’t. All I can conclude is that I would’ve tried to find out what I’d done (something stupid I do in situations like these, because of my own insecurity) which would’ve meant I probably started to get all “clingy” & “insecure” with her – like a stupid bloody WHINEY child!!!! But that was how I was feeling.

 

She KNEW me!!!!!! And I’d made well & sure very early on in our relationship (because I was in NO WAY gonna enter a relationship only for it to go to bits because I “suddenly” sprung an “episode” on her) – MONTHS before how insecure I was – that I had many times thought I suffered from depression & quite possibly BPD – & by that I mean Borderline Personality Disorder … not the Bi-Polar one… we had chatted many times on how I sometimes got & all the research I had done (not that any of it ever helped), just so I could be sure she understood where I was coming from & how hard I would / was always working to just keep myself in check. We had even had a couple of times when I did go a bit over the edge, but it never took much for her to bring me back from it ….. again, I can hear my own selfishness here, but it was part of our relationship dynamic … another reason I had fallen so hard in love with her. No one I’d ever known before had even bothered to try & understand this side of me, let alone actually help me through it the way she did.

So SHE KNEW ME!!!!!!!! & yet still “sprung” a HUGE ONE on me ….. It was so out of character of her to do something like this & moreover, the nonchalant “couldn’t give a rats ass” attitude with which she did it … I just didn’t understand WHY WHY WHY!!!??? What had I done.. & worse, had I lost her??? I even spoke to my eldest daughter (now 19 years old) about it & even she had to say, she didn’t get it. From what I had told her she thought everything was just rosy … unfortunately so did I until this.

 

While still reeling somewhat from the aforementioned – 3 days before her due departure date, she dropped off the “grid” entirely!!! She disappeared completely from my mobile phone IM App (MXit – dunno if anyone here knows that one – lately it seems to have been out overshadowed by WhatsApp on mobile phones, especially here in the UK) – I was logging onto FB & Skype at every possible opportunity in the hope that she would be there, just so I could ask her “what the hell is going on??” – & once or twice she was actually online very briefly, just until she noticed I was online as well & then she’d be gone!! I sent many normal texts (SMS’s) to which I got absolutely no response …. I was BESIDE MYSELF!!! My feelings went from desperate panic worry that something had happened to her (she has had some health issues) to almost insane unreasonable anger that she had the NERVE to do this to me KNOWING FULL well what it must be doing to me.

I STILL had no idea what was going on … & then on 1 occasion, having just seen her ‘presence’ on FBook I tried to send her a message, but she logged off before it could be sent – internet connections in SA are nothing like here in the civilised world & in fact I would often battle like crazy to just get logged on. I LOST it!!!!! My conclusion … she was obviously still fine & healthy because she had been on & off FB/Skype … I sent her a text message that to this day I regret …

I said “I really hope that someone has died or something, so important that you would deliberately ignore me like this”.

Now you probably asking, why didn’t I just actually phone her … I had her number & everything. Well in hindsight I probably should have … but I don’t think at this point I was thinking very clearly … on top of which, I knew she was at home with her husband & family (she has 2 kids aged 30 something & 28 or something) as well as 2 grandchildren. There was still some degree of discretion we needed to maintain about our relationship …

She is a live-in carer & lives away from home with the old folks she cares for most of the year – hence our ability to normally be able to communicate as we did. She had to go home for a few days prior to her trip…..

 

In total it was 5 days before I heard from her again (please remember that this is the woman I had been in contact with almost every moment of every day for the last 8 months – hell we’d already almost had a life together). We had shared more intimate details with each other than either of us had ever before in our lives. Some marriages never even last this long & certainly never reach the level or intensity of our relationship. Her grandson was born a few months earlier – an enormously meaningful time of her life & guess what?? While she held her VERY special daughter’s hand during the whole childbirth thing … I got a running commentary almost hourly … I never expected it or asked for it, but it became so special to me, I felt as if I was standing next to her through the whole thing. I have such a SPECIAL photo of my Luv (she sent the picture to me there & then!!) holding her new-born grandson within an hour of his birth .. I have never seen her looking so proud … so happy … & so beautiful!!!! I had shared times with her when she’d had “issues” with her family & just ran off down to the pub .. where she was shattered upset – I was beside myself & did everything I could think of to “be with her” from the other side of the planet … until I’d spoken to her to tell her how much I loved her & it would be alight … until her sobbing subsided. I didn’t have the money for such an expensive international phone call, but it didn’t matter!!! SHE was all that mattered.

She had helped me & guided me when I had “tiffs” with either of my Baby Girls … advice on teenage daughters only a woman can give … I WOULD be there for her when she needed me if it cost me my life!

 

So where had I gone wrong????????

 

I’ve digressed again ….

 

By this time she had been in SA, quite literally “down the road” from me (from the other side of the world to less than a 15 minute drive away) for 2 days already. She had partied & been having a really good time catching up with her friend & so on ……

In any case, we made arrangements to actually meet up in a couple more days – her tone & attitude toward me still an uncharacteristic cold indifference … NOT the woman I had fallen in love with. I just didn’t get it & I was SCARED TO DEATH….

 

So the day of our meeting arrived & you can only imagine the anticipation!!??

 

This was the start of a very bad time in my life – I still don’t like thinking about it & any music that may remind me of it is an absolute NO NO!!

 

Her friend brought her to my house (their decision not mine). When she arrived I was shocked, to say the least!!

Now obviously during the course of our online affair, I had asked for pictures of her – it had after all been more than 25 years since I had last seen her & had such a crush on her. In the pictures I had seen, even at 52 she was still a gorgeous lady. She was obviously older & showed a few signs of it – a few wrinkles & had put on some weight – but her eyes & “sparkle” was still there. Nice bum still & just a touch of make-up & she turned heads.

But when she arrived at my place, she was as “old” & “drab” as I have never seen her before – not a touch of make-up & her hair looked like she’d been stranded on a desert island for the last month. But OK then ……

Online we had often chatted about our first kiss & hug & all that stuff (I think I’ve already mentioned) – well when approaching her she pulled away! So I helped her with her very small overnight bag – confused as to why she’d brought so little stuff, thinking she would be staying with me like we had discussed so many times online & we went inside (her friend left).

I poured us wine (the one she had said months before she liked) & when I finally approached her to kiss her I was met with very tightly closed lips.

Now I don’t remember the exact sequence of events here, but I do remember us talking for a while – very “strained” conversation in which she told me she didn’t like French kissing (which I thought odd since she had on many occasions before told me VERY explicitly how she would kiss me the first time we saw each other – ok that was supposed to be when I picked her up at the airport & we now know that didn’t happen!!) & then she moved upstairs to my bedroom ….. in the 30 seconds it took me to follow, when I got to the bedroom she was already naked on my bed …. I won’t go into any more detail here, except to say that we REALLY fitted together physically!! So no worries in this department …..

The afternoon & evening progressed – more wine & more conversation.

 

One of the first things to come out while we talked, was that she had “changed her mind” & she would actually NOT be staying with me as we had planned, but she would be staying with her friend – but I could still visit on occasion W.T.F!!!!???? She continued to explain that our online “thing” was all fun & everything, but this was now reality … & in reality, she was married (had no intention of leaving her husband – not that I’d expected her to or anything) & had a whole other life & our online love affair was all just a bit of fun that had gotten out of hand & that it DID NOT mean the same to her as it did to me … but we would still be friends – her exact words were “fuck-buddies” & that I would always still be very special to her.

By now I could hardly contain my hurt ….. but it was far from over!!!! All the hopes, dreams & plans we had made for the last 9 months reduced to “sorry but we can be fuck-buddies”………it still rings in my ears to this day!!!!!

 

Later, I was woken slowly to the sound of “Heartbeat” by Enrique & Nicole Scherzinger – it was a song I really enjoyed at the time & so too did Luv. She had turned it up on the Hi-Fi (I needed to wake up anyway) & came upstairs – next thing I know she is sitting astride me (cowboy – but fully clothed) getting all kissy-cuddly with me as if there was nothing in the world wrong & we’d just had a wonderful getaway. Ordinarily this gesture would’ve been really nice & certainly romantic, but REALLY!!?? After all that had just happened, what on earth did she honestly expect – or is it just me??

 

 

The rest of her SA holiday was comparatively uneventful. She was a bit more ‘caring’ & we spent a bit more time together, although she never did actually stay with me for more than 2 consecutive nights. But she was never again the person I thought I knew & things between us would never be the same again.

I remember her inviting me over on occasion to spend some time with her at Ln’s place – we even shared a bed when there & there was nothing to hide – Ln’s son even “teased” about hearing us in the evening (his room was adjacent to ours), but CONFUSINGLY, I was PROHIBITED from showing any affection to Luv in Ln’s presence … & of course Luv was as cold as ice whenever we were there.

 

There was also one instance, when at my place I had “interrogated” her somewhat for an explanation to her behaviour & the best I got was “I got cold feet about us”. Why she would develop cold feet I will never understand – I had never asked her or even implied commitment – hell I DIDN’T even want commitment – not after the marriage I had just gotten over a few years prior (but that’s another story). Not like we were getting married or even planning on living together – I knew her situation with her husband – he is in his 60’s already (10 years Luv’s senior) & I had accepted her decision in this regard. In fact it suited me just fine too (moral issues aside). I had assured her I would maintain my discretion & so on …. So WHY “cold feet” I just don’t understand.

In her explanation too, tables were turned & it was according to her, MY behaviour (the comments I made “I really hope that someone has died or something ….”) that motivated her to do what she had done – except this didn’t add up either – she had STARTED her behaviour LONG BEFORE I was ever driven to make such stupid statements in the first place. LONG before I was even concerned or aware of any problems.

 

But at least I hadn’t lost her – my GREATEST fear in the world …. It’s just not “right” to be so in love with someone this way!!!

To give yourself over to someone so completely – to lay your heart, your mind & your soul BARE in their hands, in the belief they will cherish it as you do theirs … only for them to put the squeeze on it, throw it & kick it about like a football … & then to think it’ll all just go away, with a bit of kissing & cuddling.