Some background: Let me start stating that English is not my first language. I have emigrated the US a long time ago, and I have lived with anxiety long before I even came to this country. Ever since I was a kid, I always felt left out by my classmates, and saw people who tried to help me as contemptuous. I have come to resent that, as I feel that has made me an arrogant person in the eyes of many good people. This perception has left me isolated through my teenage years, and I have labeled myself as an antisocial person, who doesn’t like to identify himself with anything. Nationality, race, politics, sports teams, clubs, tv shows, movies, … nothing really seems interesting. Yet, I cannot help to wonder if I am really forcing me not to like any of these out of fear of being judged and labeled. I have made the mistake of shunning people who have tried to introduce me into their hobbies or offer me aid, and I feel extremely bad for that. Not having connected with many people during school in the US has left me with trouble connecting with my coworkers, and has also inhibited me from learning proper spoken English.

The possitive: I have graduated as an engineer, have a great certification in progress, and just landed a job after a very long job hunt. I have a supporting family, who is willing to offer me housing, yet no more economic support beyond that.

Now the negative: The anxiety. I feel it has become ingrained on me. It affects my memory and concentration, both short and long term. If you ask me to memorize a small number or to spell out a word, it gives me trouble. If you ask me in which year did I take a vacation, or If I read any books, or If I watched any movies, or the name of my best friend, I will blank out, and force myself to invent a response. Yes, I cope by lying (a lot), and fear getting caught in the act. To make matters worse, I am very disorganized. Even my thought process is a complete mess. The new job I just got requires me to be very clear over the phone and good at memorizing, I am still in training, but I am starting to get looks from coworkers that can tell I am anxious, that my spoken English is forced and find it hard to engage in casual conversations. Even my spoken first language feels forced in casual settings.

Well, sorry for the loaded introduction, but I feel like writing these thoughts somewhere can at least allow me to get this out of my system. I know that this post has been mostly about me, but I really mean well to others. I hate letting people down. There is a loving family and coworkers that were really exited to work with me. Perhaps it all boils down to pride, and that failing makes me nervous due to my high expectations. Pride might block me from embracing who I am. Though the memory issues and disorganization seem to be another problem on their own.


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