I was about 7 when i experienced my 1st panic attack. I was laid in a dark bedroom in one of my mums friends flat. Like always my mother was out partying and i was hungry and cold. I had seen interview with a vampire a few nights before and was freaking out about vampires. That day the young boy who lived there told me a vampire was going to jump out from under the stair ways in the flat building and kill me. As i lay there i thought of dying. I couldn’t breath, i was shaking and the fear i felt kept me glued in my spot. I was terrified. It took me what felt like hours to be able to move and when i managed to walk to the front room and cry to the babysitter, i was sent back to the cold dark room where i lay awake crying, shaking and in fear all night.  This was the begining of my joureny into a dark place. After a horrible childhood and troubled teenage years follwed by the sudden  death of my mother at 15,  i began to drink and use drugs to escape the anxiety and fear that consumed me. This is the worst thing to do because it made all those bad thoughts and feelings i had worse! At 18 i was drinking bottles of wine as soon as i woke up. I would rather feel pissed than afraid. Eventually i soon realised i needed to learn to deal with this anxiety and finally after thousands of panic attacks ( everyone i was concinced was going to kill me ) i stop panicing about having panic attacks! If i was going to die so be it! Little by little i leanred to cope. I still had my bad days but i was happy. I moved away and got pregnant with my twins. I vowed to never be the type of mother my mum was and my everything was dedicated to my children and home. After a few years of being in a unhappy marraige i moved home.  I was the happiest i had ever been in my life! I rekindled with an old flame who i love dearly, i was healthy and back home with friends and support and a man who loves me. I had my 3rd baby a year ago and life was great. Stressful admittedly trying to keep a clean house with 2 four year old twins (one who as autism) and a 1 year old.

  1. Everything changed 3 months ago. My partner works on the rigs for weeks sometimes months at a time and my violent and controlling father whos been in prison the best part of 15 years and who demands so much from me and uses my home like his! My stress levels were going through the roof! Then i had a very traumatic misscarriage right in the middle of town center! Since then ive been convinced i’m losing my mind! I have began to feel a little better through quitting coffee, any booze, eating healthy, gym and yoga, self help and meditation! Im also seeing a concilor. Truth is im exhusted! Im so tired of trying to feel “ok”! I obsess about anxiety all day long! Ive created such a bad habbit i just dont know how to snap out of it. I have so much to be happy for!
3 Comments
  1. rileyj 6 years ago

    You have certainly been through a lot. I admire your courage and how you managed to get through.

    Sorry to hear about the miscarriage, that cannot have been easy to go through.

    Perhaps there is a social worker or member of authority you could contact to discuss with your father your feelings about him staying with you? I can imagine the police would not help the violent and controlling side of him, but perhaps a counsellor to initiate and mediate discussion?

    Wishing you best of luck with your future. You have proved you can do it before so keep going ! 🙂

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      lucywinterburn 6 years ago

      Thankyou for replying. I’m so obdessed with my own anxiety i worry im pushing people away by always talking about. I just want to be able to feel peace.

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  2. delane 6 years ago

    Sometimes, we tend to hold onto those that can do some of the worst damage to our lives. *sigh (Yeah, i’m talking to myself here, too, but i just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.)
    While i’m glad you’ve gotten so many positive occurrences in the recent past, your father really does need a bit of a wake-up call, himself. Is there anywhere else he could stay?
    It’s also helpful, especially when you have your hands full with small children, to find some time for yourself. It may only be for an hour or two, once a week, but you might be surprised at the results. Do you have any close friends or other family members who’d be willing/able to give you such breaks? (Just a suggestion.)
    i really hope you can get back into your positive-mode. Seems like you were doing so well….

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