Well, this Saturday my school held our Valentine's Day dance, the "Snowball". Since I am on student council I had to get up at six o'clock in the morning to decorate, and soon discovered that I am notrunning for student council. I am fairly certain it was after holding up a giant cardboard shark on the top of a ladder for fifteen minutes that triggered this decision. I do not even know why I agreed to stand on the ladder (since I am afraid of heights), and came to the conclusion that I was actually more afraid of disappointing the person who had asked me to help. More and more every day I have been stuck in situations where I have to deal with things that I am nervous about because of my fear to just stand up for myself.

Later, after the dance was all set up, I was at my house getting ready with my sister while her friends started coming. We had a great time getting in our dresses (that had zipper's on them), and getting dressed up. When my date showed up he had a corsage with him, and we took pictures. That was all fun, and continued to be even more so when we realized that my younger sister and I were finally the same height. My sister, who is now my height, has been standing up for me my entire life. I realized this from instances during that dance, and just realized how someone so much smaller than me has no fear of standing up to people much larger.

The final kicker of realization that I am afraid of standing up for myself and doing what I want, was when I realized that I was at the dance with a guy who I only liked as friends. For the purpose of this story the guy at the dance was named "Jim". Well, back in my freshman year I met a guy named "Mark" in my art class. "Mark" was an amazing guy who I soon liked, and we became friends pretty fast. Well, two years later "Mark" andI were still close friends, but then I met "Jim" when school started up since I was a manager for a sport he was in. I tried to tell myself that things with "Mark" were never going to happen, since he had a girlfriend, and put distance between us since I can't seem to not like him when I am around him. Well for five months I only had simple conversations with "Mark" and tried to like "Jim" since everyone said that we would be a good couple. I wound up going to the dance with "Jim", and we did have a good time. There is an exeption to the good time though, that I feel bad that "Jim" does not know about. When "Jim" and I arrived to the dance, I ran into "Mark" by accident when trying to avoid walking into someone who was standing in my way. When I ran into "Mark" he caught me since I had tripped backwards. He sturdied me, and his hands lingered. The major problem would be that whenever "Mark" touches me (whether it be a hug as friends or handing my something) I really like the feeling. Later when slow dancing with "Jim" I realized that I really do not like it when he touches me, as opposed to "Mark". I really do not want to hurt "Jim" but after trying to hide the fact that I really like "Mark", I feel like I might actually hurt someone.

Anyway, after this long winded story that has almost no plot, my main concern for the time being is not being able to stand up for myself to do something that I want. As said before, I really like "Mark" and would like to be able to end things with "Jim" without hurting him. More importantly though, I am in need of courage to be able to follow what I really want to do.


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