New to this site and hoping I’ve found something that can really help me.
I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder when I was 17 though I remember my first panic attack when I was only around 5 years old. Many times my mother had to come to pick me up from school because I was uncontrollably crying for no particular reason. I never fit in and I knew then I had something wrong with me.
I moved out of my parents home when I was 18 because I had been told by my father that I had to, even though I was in the middle of my senior year in high school. Since then, I have had 3 long term relationships. I moved in with my first fiance who became abusive. I moved directly into my 2nd relationship, marrying a man I had only known for 2 weeks. We were married for 5 years before we split apart. This man introduced me to the wonderful world of drugs – pot, lsd, shrooms, alcohol, cocaine and the such. When after 5 years of years of marriage we decided to separate, I had no idea how to take care of myself or our (then) 4 year old daughter. I abandoned my daughter who went to live with her grandmother while I began the biggest downward spiral of my life. My alcohol usage was an everyday event. I didn’t miss a day at the bar. It was the only social life I had. Things got so bad that I began snorting heroin and eventually got busted and spent time in prison for trafficking and theft. But before I left to go to prison, I met the man of my dreams. An ex-navy police officer who helped me begin the getting sober process. We had only known each other 2 months and he stayed by my side the entire time I was away. I was released early to attend an in-house treatment program where I was successful in completely breaking my bonds away from being drug and alcohol dependant.
But now things are falling apart again. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years now but he is beginning to resent the fact that I am unable to work due to my panic disorder. I filed for disability who sent me to see their psyhcologist. He diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. (I was really into cutting myself, carving names and symbols into myself to relieve the pain I felt.) Because of the treatment I went through, I no longer cut myself but still feel the urge to quite often.
Yesterday we had a blow up when he told me that he couldn’t handly my issues anymore and that I had to leave. But my family doesn’t want me (and I can’t blame them as much as I put them through). We have an 18 month old boy that I will lose custody of if I leave certainly considering my record and lack of employment.
I have gotten so bad with my panic disorder that I have become agoraphobic. I do not leave my home unless my fiance goes with me. I have promised him that I will get counseling to try to fix some of my issues but everywhere I turn has a waiting list of 6 months just to talk to someone. And since I have no insurance or income, I’m unable to afford anyone who doesn’t have a waiting list.
Yesterday, I cried all day, staring at the plastic grocery bag laying on the floor. All I had to do was to tape it around my neck and somehow tape my hands together behind my back so I couldn’t remove the back when it became hard to breath. My only thought is that I love him so much and cannot live without him without reverting to that old lifestyle. And it would take so much off his shoulders if I weren’t here.
I lost custody of my now 8 year old daughter and cannot imagine losing custody of another child. My children are the only reason I have been unable to complete going through with killing myself, even though sometimes I think it would easier on them as well.
I’ve been calling everyone today trying to find help but everywhere seems to be a dead end for me. There’s no hope left. I want to be happy and I want to make my family happy and I don’t know how to get there.
Can anyone please help me? Refer me to someone that can help? Any online counseling? My last resort is to check myself into a loony bin. But then, if I do that, my oldest can only say that her mother went to prison and is now crazy, making her life even harder. Someone please help. The longer this day goes on, the more suicide is looking like my only answer.
Just read through your blog and wanted to say that although I can’t point you in the right direction of counselling or anything like that I can be here to chat to if you want to if that would help at all. You really are not alone and although you probably feel that way I am sure your family love you a lot and please dont do anything to hurt yourself even though you cant seem to find a way out at the moment I am sure there is one you just need to hold on to the positives in your life like your children and your fiance and everytime you feel down just look at them and think about how much they love you and you love them. I really hope you find the help that you need to get through this difficult time- this site is fantastic, it will make you realise that you are not alone and if you chat to people you will see people that have come through situations similar to yours and how they have moved on with their lives.
Also look at the progress you have made in your life, you overcame so many problems with addictions and an abusive relationship and I think thats a fantastic achievment and you should try be proud of yourself about dealing with those situations.
Take care x x x
Just an update. I found two places in my community that offered income based counseling services, unfortunately both of them having a 5-6 months waiting list to be seen. However, I explained the desparateness of my situation and was able to speak to an Emergency Crisis Guidance Counselor today who was able to pull a few strings because of the severity of my case and I am going to become a client after filling out the 4 hour long intake papers on Monday. I was instantly relieved. I’m not at all out of the dark yet, but there is hope in sight and people out there who care which has helped my outlook on my future. The counselor I spoke to today told me he wasn’t so sure that I suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, but did tell me that from what I had explained, I have Seperation Anxiety Disorder and Dependant Personality Disorder, which after reading the symptoms sounds a lot more like me. He also said something I found quite interesting. He said that he believed that 99% of people suffering from Panic Disorder also have some other disorder that goes along with it. His belief was that almost no one with PD only suffered from PD. He also help me understand where some of my "issues" may have stemmed from. He has given me hope, which is a major turn around from last night and today. He also spoke with my fiance and explained some things to him, like why I "micromanage" everything, which is something that bothers my bf. My bf told me he was very proud of me and seemed a lot more sympathetic of my issues and told me he would be there for me, he just wanted me to try to help myself.
I want to thank all the kind words from the members here. They also helped a lot. My future was looking pretty dim, but thank GOD there are those out there willing to do anything to help a person in need. And I definately needed it. Thank you guys so much!!
Today is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. And maybe one day, I’ll be able to do the things I haven’t mentally been able to handle for years. And once I’m past all that, maybe I’ll actually go back to school and actually become something/someone to be proud of. I know I can do it. But I haven’t felt that way for a long time! Today has given me so much hope for the future. And I thank all of those who helped give that back to me. 🙂