Whelp. Here we are. I am going to assume that you are reading this either because you want breakfast food in the middle of the night or you saw that I am writing about LGBT+ subjects. Or, you are here for both. No matter what reason brought you here, I say hello. This is my attempt at coping with my own struggles, and I figured why not share them? Maybe no one is going to read this. In that case, hello to the void.

Basically, I am one of those individuals so stuck in the closet that I forgot what the rest of the universe looks like. I have come to the point that if I don’t express some of these feelings, I will explode into a volcanic rainbow all over my mildly homophobic family. So, here we are.

For anyone interested, I find that queer is the term that fits me best. I fit somewhere in-between bisexual and pan-sexual. I certainly find those of the same and opposite genders attractive, but I also find some individuals attractive regardless of gender. But when it really comes down to it, I am mainly drawn to women. I mean, wow. I am one girl who just cannot get enough of girls.

A few years ago, I would never have been able to write that. Or, even think that without having a stroke. Without realizing it, I grew up in a home that was very against homosexuality. Until adulthood, I didn’t even fully understand what being gay meant. All I was taught was that it was very bad. Fun fact, it is actually really great. Surprise, past self! Now, looking back, I’m amazed that it took me until adulthood to realize how gay I was. I feel like the softball, flannel shirts, and literal crushes on girls should have given it away. Oh well. Better late than never, right?

It really took learning how to deal with my depression and self-hatred that I had carried from my youth. Once I started to get therapy, I began to be more open to myself. Turns out I had been keeping a big, gay secret from myself for years. I still get depressed, but now I know that’s okay. And I don’t hate myself anymore either. Life can get pretty rough, but I’m finally willing to face it.

One thing I’m not quite ready to face is my family, co-workers, classmates, and friends. Most of them are pretty homophobic. Where I live, being prejudice is practically a personality. So, coming out could mean I could loose my job and get kicked out of my family’s home, which means I wouldn’t be able to finish my college degree. It stinks, but it’s where I am right now. Whenever I get really down, I try to imagine living in a more accepting city with a job in my career field, and maybe even having a wonderful girlfriend.

The future looks incredible. And maybe that’s what can keep me going. The present is kind of disappointing. But if I keep trying, I could end up with a pretty great life ahead. For anyone else in a life like mine right now, hang in there. If we keep focusing on the little good things now, like late night breakfast, maybe we can reach the really amazing stuff that is up ahead.

-Waffles

 

2 Comments
  1. piratemonkey 10 months ago

    I feel pretty much the same. I’ve known since I was a young child but I did the dutiful good child thing, married a man, had kids, man is abusive because I just picked the best looking resume because I’m truly not attracted to men at all. Fast forward to looking at moving into my 40s with 2 kids, one of which is special needs, it’s isolating and lonely and I’m not attracted to men. To make that transition at this stage AND figure out how to date after not dating in 12 years is insurmountable in my mind. Anxiety eats me alive and I suffer from PTSD with most male interactions.

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      wisecrackingwaffles 10 months ago

      Hello, piratemonkey. It’s certainly hard sometimes to balance between who we need to be and what others want us to be. It sounds like you’re finding your own path now, good for you!
      As someone who’s never even entered the dating world, I fully understand how daunting that can seem. But, I’m sure that you will find a way through it all.

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