Looking back, it’s now clear to me that I’ve suffered from anxiety for most of my life. It has only in the past year clicked as to what it was. Unfortunately, since this realisation, it’s also gotten worse. I think before I had a label for it I was able to pass it off as other things but now I recognise it for what it is – anxiety.
I thought that that I was doing a good job of managing it but two weeks ago I had a panic attack and it took nearly an entire day before I started feeling calm again. Since then my mind has become obsessed with anxiety and it’s now getting to the point that I’m anxious about feeling anxious. This of course is a self fulfilling prophecy because when I go to work worrying about whether I’ll feel anxious it means that I do then feel anxious. I know that I need to stop this thought pattern but I’m not quite sure how.
I know now that I have a journey ahead of me but I’m determined to find the answer and a management technique that works for me. I’ve started trying mindfulness training and have ordered a yoga dvd for stress relief. We’ve recently gotten kittens as well which definitely helps me to relax after work.
I’ve also made an appointment to see my gp to discuss my symptoms. After my panic attack I could only get a phone consultation and they prescribed me Propranolol and Sertraline over the phone after a quick conversation. But I want to discuss options before committing to taking medications and after reading the packets I was alarmed at the side effects that can occur with these. I was also a little alarmed that they gave me these medications without event seeing me. A blood test has since confirmed no thyroid problems and a slight deficiency in B12 and Folic Acid so I’m now taking multivitamins each day. I’ve also found that in a lot of situations the herbal option of Rescus Remedy has been helping and you can take as much of it was you want according to the website. In the meantime, I thought that talking to people in similar positions couldn’t hurt.
That first paragraph is something I could have written, myself. It’s been hard to miss the signs of depression for most of my life, but it sort of overshadowed the anxiety symptoms until they got intense enough to be obvious.
For me, it helps some to do with anxiety what I do with depression. I don’t try to force it to go away, or wait until it’s totally gone before I attempt to do things, but I try to accept it as a place/condition from which I can function, at least in some ways. It works as long as I don’t expect to function the same way as I do when the anxiety isn’t as bad.
It seems beneficial for me to not treat depression and anxiety like pause buttons for life, since that way I don’t get as much bonus stress about having issues to start with. They become more like bad weather, which has shades of uncomfortable, some of which let you do what you need to do, even if conditions aren’t ideal … if that makes sense.
I am new here just joined tonight and would need way more time to tell you my story about the ups and downs of living with bipolar disorder. Here is a poem I wrote and called it Me.
Me
Closed in spaces
Open places
Frozen in movement
Of fears and doubt.
Inner longing
Self sabotage
Of belonging
To your own life.
A never ending struggle
Torment of avoidance
Just to relax
Without major attacks
Of panic.
Closed in a rut of ruminating
Of thought and expression
Blocked by your own doing
Of disoriented confusion
Safe in the comfort zone of doing.
To venture out is tough
The simple things are rough
The what ifs are plenty
Feeling trapped in turmoil
In a personal exile
Of heaven and hell.
The wholeness of self
In fragmented pieces
Overwhelmed with sudden releases
Of energy saved.
Stuck in limbo
Then over reacted
Within the wall of self protection
To step out of fears and feel free.
Written by Shelly Wiseberg
Taken from Prose and Cons