Hello – I just happened to stumble upon this site this morning.  I’ve read through some of the blogs and even chatted a bit.  I hope this is what I’ve been looking for.  I suffer from Severe Reoccuring Major Depression.  I have extreme downs from time to time.  It never fails when it seems like things are trucking along then BAM out of no where I am sliding backwards at the speed of light.  Its so frustrating because I try so hard to keep my head above water to not drown in desperation and yet it always seems to end up that way.  I recently lost my job.  I had been home for over a year.  I had tried to work a few times in that year but failed.  When I took this job in June I was deteremined to not fail and I went at it 150% and then some.  Only to hit a brick wall because I ticked (and thats not the word I wanted to use) my boss off because I was honest and spoke my mind.  At which point I was being offered a new position with the company that was a demotion (however in their words it wasn’t) and I either had to accept or quit.  In the end I ended up quiting because no matter what I did they were screwing me.  Sorry but true.  So here I am with out a job again.  Which is difficult in itself for me since I’ve worked my entire life until all this started.  Now I’m struggling with what I should do next.  

I am a Christian who believes deeply in God but my faith is waivering so much.  I feel like I have fallen so far from God’s grace and I can’t find my way back.  I have a wonderful church and church family that I have managed to isolate myself from.  If I could spend all eternity in my bed with my covers… well I just would.   This is so difficult for me because it isn’t what I want.  Yet what I know I want I do not have the strength or energy to fight for any more.  No one seems to understand that.  No one gets that it isn’t a bad day or a bad mood.  No one understands that you just can’t snap your way out of it.  Each and every day, each and every hour, each and every minute you slide deeper and deeper into a dark desperate hole.  There is no latter out to safety, there is no rope to grab and be pulled out.  Its solid wall, with not even foot cleffs to steady you as you attemp to climb.  You pull yourself up a few inches then BAM you fall back again.  You wonder night and day when you will hit the bottom with all your might.  And when you do you wonder what will happen how will you react? 

Maybe I’ve said far to much for my first blog out but it thoughts swirling in my head.  I want my life back, I want to laugh again, to smile again, to enjoy my life again.  I want to not be angry all the time, to not want to scream everytime someone comes near me, to not feel like at any given moment I am going to explode.  Is that really asking so much?  Maybe it is!