It's a new year. I stayed in another year. Holidays is just a big fight. I stopped trying this year. No one really cares any way so why should I?

Christmas I sat home with the lights off. My son doesnt want to come, he doesnt wish me anything. My bf well he is an ass and starts a fight right before any holiday. He has some awful control complex and it makes me even more down.But with out him I cant survive. I try to work and i get sick for long bouts of time. I cant apply for an services becasue I own a house and a car. So I own to much to qulify for any help or disiblity. I want to cry. I am trapped.

I will try again to make an appointment for therapy. It's hard because I don't like travling anywhere alone here in the city. It's hard to keep apoinments. Its hard to do anything. Its the effort and the bother of dealing with other people. I don't get that when I am staying up in the countryside.

But there is no work in the country. And my bf is all about money money money. He bores me with his no stop talk about taxes and how because of me we lost so much money because i am not working. Then when I am working , my job isnt good enough. I love my job. but i get very sick. I am afraid of doing anything because I get sick. My GP doctor suggests its in my head. I mean i dont think i am dying or anything. How can i pretend that i have crippling back pain or trouble breathing. It gets server and the doctors can never find anything wrong!!

He also gets on me about house cleaning. I dont know why i cant compleat simple tasks. It makes me feel even worse. I cant compleat anything and get exsausted over it. I just don't know whats wrong with me.

I feel funny getting drugs from the doctor. I feel like a junky or something. Like I am doing something wrong. I was on colapam or what ever it was called in the begining of spring – summer and i took my self off it because i just didnt want to get trapped in the city. It would cause trouble for me to leave the city again by my boyfriend.

I have to try again. I need help and i cant just sit here.

I want to try to ebay but that gives me a complex of how i am going to do something wrong, not right and going to the post office. i am worried about what everyone will or does think about me.i get embaressed over everything. I am living in my own self hell.

i just dont know what to do. monday – tommorow i will call the doctor and i will get an appointment like three months later.