I was not able to log on for the past couple days onto AnxietyTribe during this time I wrote this piece while multi tasking and listening to music.
there's a pale light creeping through the crack in the curtains. for the first time in weeks i've mustered enough courage to face myself in the mirror. staring back at me seemingly unfamiliar yet territorial, the face of a worn out shell. eyes disturbingly sunken and gently caressed by dark circles stare back at me; the kiss of death or weariness?
slowly i lift a hand to the cool glass and trace the outline of the lips. i run a finger along the fragile and supple skin darkened by lack of sleep that exuberate the shallowness of eyes dead to the world; this stranger looking back at me, the one who's face i sense beneath the glass is me; me staring back through the haze. me staring back at myself.
such a faded skin from lack of sun. see, i'm afraid of sunlight. afraid of being outdoors during daylight hours as people rush about; night time is mine. no, i'm not a vampire nor do i think of myself being one. and no i'm not an eccentric nor a madman; i'm just uncomfortable being around people.
i sit by the window, the television numbing my senses. i watch them scurrying about; a society rushing by at dizzying paces about me as if watching a filmstrip who's every other frame is cut out producing a timelapse effect. all the while losing track of time along this roller coaster ride still i fear them. traffic jams, over-populated shopping malls, the whole of a world on fast forward while i rewind everynow and then pausing to catch my breath.
ah this look of disarray staring back at me. this dismal obscure being i touch with fingertips in the looking glass before me; who are you now? what happened? since when have you become this haggard and ravaged man dis-eased by slick nerve and raw tension.
have you thought of shaving lately? brushing your teeth and combing your hair? do you fathom setting foot outdoors to join the sleepwalkers on this night? the ones who tread carefully about in the shadows avoiding the moon's beacon.
take a close look at yourself man. you tremble at a check out line, you exhaust energy at a red light while around you car pile ups waiting for the green light close in. it all feels so congested doesn't it? but, have you ever stopped for one moment to think how your fears and worries have led me down some path through the trees where i can't for the life of me find my way back.
i can feel you tremble at the touch of my fingers. while i stand here staring back at me i can sense the anxiety pulsating through every fiber of your being.
with my other hand i reach up and inspect the dark mood around my eyes. sunken, soft, marred by intense unseen fear. i take a hard close look at my reflection. here stands before me a man of 40 broken and afraid, shadows my only comfort when i reach out and touch life that still grows around me but too afraid to jump in both feet at the ready.
the bathroom light flickers for a moment above my head. i am thrown in complete darkness for one split second. as life is reborn through the fluorescent bulb above the medicine cabinet a man stands before me, looking back at me through the looking glass.
he smiles at me. i smile at him. i press my hand once again against the mirror and recognize him; he is me. all is not lost.