My Father passed in January. My Mother passed in 2004. Today I have extended family with whom I can't identify with. I have one friend. I was married on Saturday and now I am a wife. I am 27 years old and have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I have been feeling deep despair and I feel no hope in my life. I have tried to incorporate God into my life. However, I don't feel deserving of anyone's love. I feel like I screw up everything in my life. My control is gone. I have been numbing myself. I recently checked myself into the hospital and didn't receive any help. Today am I sitting in the house alone, teetering on the thought of suicide. The invitation is inviting to the point of comfort. I could take a bottle of pills and allow my respiratory system deplete from exertion to keep me alive. I took 5 pills earlier and ran to the bathroom to vomit. I am frightened of going to hell. I believe that I will hurt people that I have. However, death is something that people can get over. I can't get out of this labyrinth of insanity and I no longer know how to handle daily life. I looked at the city bus schedule and don't have the money to get on board. If I did, where would I go? I feel alone and misunderstood. People care, or so I have been told, but I feel like I am in a fish bowl with every one else looking in. I was left alone. Maybe this was in hope that I would just do it. If I attempted an overdose they would walk in and have enough time to save me. It would be a failed attempt. I have money in the bank account. Perhaps I can jump on a bus. Where would I go???? People do it every day. I could jump on the greyhound and continue to buy tickets untill I can no longer go. I would ultimately be on the side of the road with the other undersirables begging for food and money. I could be raped or murdered on my way to my undetermined destination. I want to run. I want to walk into nonexistence. Unfortunately I have no answer as to where I will end up. I have no plan on where I could even go. I have relatives in different states but I won't be welcome. I am the black sheep. I am the depressed, negative, undesirable, undeserving person. I am desperate. If I didn't fear hell, the choice would be much easier. Death is permanent. I should take this seriously. When you get this low death is solace. I watched my Father's eyes glaze into death in January. He was in emotional and physical pain. He was released. He is no longer in pain and anguish. However, his choice to die was only partly his decision. A terminal disease did the rest. Sometimes I wish that I could just walk into the street and get hit. My life could be taken by an unexpected whim. Would I still go to hell because it was my desire to die this way? I'm sure hell isn't in the near future because I don't have the balls and God isn't going to take me. No where to go.