My Father passed in January. My Mother passed in 2004. Today I have extended family with whom I can't identify with. I have one friend. I was married on Saturday and now I am a wife. I am 27 years old and have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I have been feeling deep despair and I feel no hope in my life. I have tried to incorporate God into my life. However, I don't feel deserving of anyone's love. I feel like I screw up everything in my life. My control is gone. I have been numbing myself. I recently checked myself into the hospital and didn't receive any help. Today am I sitting in the house alone, teetering on the thought of suicide. The invitation is inviting to the point of comfort. I could take a bottle of pills and allow my respiratory system deplete from exertion to keep me alive. I took 5 pills earlier and ran to the bathroom to vomit. I am frightened of going to hell. I believe that I will hurt people that I have. However, death is something that people can get over. I can't get out of this labyrinth of insanity and I no longer know how to handle daily life. I looked at the city bus schedule and don't have the money to get on board. If I did, where would I go? I feel alone and misunderstood. People care, or so I have been told, but I feel like I am in a fish bowl with every one else looking in. I was left alone. Maybe this was in hope that I would just do it. If I attempted an overdose they would walk in and have enough time to save me. It would be a failed attempt. I have money in the bank account. Perhaps I can jump on a bus. Where would I go???? People do it every day. I could jump on the greyhound and continue to buy tickets untill I can no longer go. I would ultimately be on the side of the road with the other undersirables begging for food and money. I could be raped or murdered on my way to my undetermined destination. I want to run. I want to walk into nonexistence. Unfortunately I have no answer as to where I will end up. I have no plan on where I could even go. I have relatives in different states but I won't be welcome. I am the black sheep. I am the depressed, negative, undesirable, undeserving person. I am desperate. If I didn't fear hell, the choice would be much easier. Death is permanent. I should take this seriously. When you get this low death is solace. I watched my Father's eyes glaze into death in January. He was in emotional and physical pain. He was released. He is no longer in pain and anguish. However, his choice to die was only partly his decision. A terminal disease did the rest. Sometimes I wish that I could just walk into the street and get hit. My life could be taken by an unexpected whim. Would I still go to hell because it was my desire to die this way? I'm sure hell isn't in the near future because I don't have the balls and God isn't going to take me. No where to go.

2 Comments
  1. Shelley5716 10 years ago

    My sweet friend … God does loves u, He will take care of you … as I read ur blog, my heart broke for you … I question getting better almost everyday … I know u feel hopeless, but there is hope …

    I too am just married, 2 weeks now. I think, how can I do this to him, why would he want to put up with me not ever feeling good? he loves me … I have to believe ur husband loves u too … Death is not the final step hon … and yes, killing urself would give u a ticket straight to hell … not my words, but Gods, u are His temple … u said u had tried to incorporate God into ur life … cry out to Him, find a minister … do not give up!!! I am so very sorry u are feeling so bad, and if I could make it vanish, I so would!!! For all of us …
    Faith is hard at times, especially during a trial, I know cuz I\'m in one myself.
    U do matter … u can make it … u came here to blog instead of swallowing more pills … that means u want to live, to be better …
    Get angry at this mess, fight! Fight for u and ur husband … u both deserve it!!!

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  2. Shelley5716 10 years ago

    Psalm 91

    1 He who [a]dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].

    2 I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I [confidently] trust!

    3 For [then] He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.

    4 [Then] He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler.

    5 You shall not be afraid of the terror of the night, nor of the arrow (the evil plots and slanders of the wicked) that flies by day,

    6 Nor of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor of the destruction and sudden death that surprise and lay waste at noonday.

    7 A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not come near you.

    8 Only a spectator shall you be [yourself inaccessible in the secret place of the Most High] as you witness the reward of the wicked.

    9 Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place,

    10 There shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent.

    11 For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].

    12 They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.

    13 You shall tread upon the lion and adder; the young lion and the serpent shall you trample underfoot.

    14 Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him; I will set him on high, because he knows and understands My name [has a personal knowledge of My mercy, love, and kindness—trusts and relies on Me, knowing I will never forsake him, no, never].

    15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

    16 With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation.

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