I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to wake up in the morning, slide my feet on the cold tile floor and that be the only complaint in my head. I desire my thoughts to be on the moment that I will see my son's sleepy eyes open and the dreamy look on his face when he recognizes that I am there with him. Or the hues of the morning sun tracing through the pines, reflecting off the ripples of the pond like sparkling diamonds- and the warmth of the coffee in my hands, and a cigarette burning in the ashtray next to me. I want to feel some comfort in looking forward to the day ahead of me and what wonderful things it could bring me. But that is not the case.
For over a week now I have been consumed by anger. It's been festering for years, 14 to be exact, and now I've come to the end of my rope. There's no more patience left in me, no more ability to deflect the stinging barbs of her tongue that are veiled enough to escpae my husband's attention~ of course, he is blinded by love for her. She is his mother, no matter how terrible a parent she was (and still is).
For 14 years now I have endured her spitefulness and thinly covered disdain of me, all the while being there anyway for her, hoping to change things with patience and love. But I'm out of those things for her now. I am 31 years old, almost 32, and we have been doing this dance since I was 17. As far as she's concerned, I will never be good enough for her little boy.
I remember being at family parties and her doting on one of my 2 sisters-in-law, loudly proclaiming that she'd "always been the favorite" and that she "loved her so much" and "why can't the other two be more like you?". Jodie and I just looked at one another in disgust and walked away. We weren't mad at our sis-in-law, just aggravated by the mother-in-law. All this happened while I stood their prenant with her only grandson, and Jodie had already given her two beautiful granddaughters.
Now the other sister-in-law is a bad word in her household, because she left her husband after realizing she wasn't happy. If anyone keeps in contact with Donna, we're to be shunned and shamed.
I should have followed Jodie's lead years ago, to stay away from Pam (mother-in-law) and keep my distance, not let her into my heart. I wanted so badly for her to accept me as family, to look upon me as a daughter. Now I see that all I want is to keep far away and that's what I'm doing.
It's taken me so long to see it~ she's poisonous and clever. Like a cobra she'll slide silently up to you, only to see her rear her head and strike with a fatal blow before you have any chance of defending yourself or getting away.
I can't believe that a mere 2 weeks ago I stood by her bedside at the ER and held her hand and stroked her hair away from her face as she vomited over and over again. The sad thing is that in a way I do love her, and that is why this angers me and hurt me so much.
She looks at me and only sees my illness and the problems it has caused her son. I am not "right" in the head as far as she's concerned, so I need to be thrown aside for something better. I am just a weight dragging her son down, keeping him chained to a life she thinks he should better.
It makes me wonder how many people in my life feel that way about me…just another ill person who is no longer a person because of the illness. So many friends lost, distancing themselves until they faded to nothing, leaving me with holes in my heart and empty hands despite the love and laughter and kindness I have showered them with.
I remember when my husband and I split up (my doing) partially because of a hypomanic episode where I was unfaithful. But I was honest about what was happening to me with my husband. He knew what was going on~ I never lied to him, led him to believe that things were other than they truly were, and made it clear that I was finished with our relationship (or at least believed I was at that point). She found out about it from him and of course blamed me for everything.
Nevermind that he didn't have the guts to tell her that he'd cheated on me with my best friend over a year before that. He let me take the blame~ all of it, just because he couldn't deal with disappointing his mom.
So I'm staying away from her. I've told him that he needs to stand up for himself, and especially for our son and I. She once told him that her marriage to his abusive step-father was more important than him because "he's my future". I told him to tell her the same. We're his future, not his mother. His priorities need to change~ and last weekend he finally did stand up to her for us.
He respects my decision to not spend time with that side of his family, because like her, they all avoid me and haven't really bothered to get to know me well, with a few exceptions. I am an illness, I am contagion, I am anoutcast to be avoided at all costs.
I don't deserve to be made to feel like this. And while I know it's my choice to allow myself to let those feelings sink in, I can't help it under so much scrutiny and dislike. I'm removing myself from the picture.
The first time my son comes home and tells me that "Grammy sad such and such about you" will be the last time she sees her grandson. I have warned Aaron of this already. She is not going to poison my child towards me like she tried to do with Jodie's daughters.
I'm done ranting. I need to sleep for awhile. My head hurts because of the heat and the anger I'm feeling. Sorry to go on about this for so long, but this is something I feel very strongly on.
Sometimes families can't work. Sometimes you have to say goodbye to keep your self-worth and your chance at happiness. Some people are toxic no matter what you do.