I feel sad, because no one will really know me. As I become more alienated from my family, friendships have disapeared and all that's left is a work/school/sleep cycle mixed with the occasional hobby.

It's not to say I'm wasting time, I have much to do. I'm getting over spending a long time being very very sick, but I've got a 2000 page C#/NET book I'm going through, then I'm planning on learning Android programming (already know java), brushing up on PHP and JS, and working so hard just to find a new job. Another $1000-2000 a month will solve my biggest issue besides personal ones, which is just student loan debt. If I can pay that I won't worry about much in the way of money. I never really wanted a house or a bunch of expensive stuff, just enough to go do things I want do now and then. And of course, I stay busy in my studio, trying to play piano and make music and DJ, but it's slow and plodding as always.

Mostly though I know it's so hard for me to make friends, to meet people, to meet anyone. When my ex left I was saddest mostly because I know she was the closest I ever had to a best friend or a dear friend, and I know I loved her. Questionable if she ever loved me that way but I know I did and still do. So I suppose it's best she's gone because she needs to live her own life. But where do I go?

I don't fit in it seems, at raves or card shops or in classes or even at work. I just feel awkward and strange and confused and like I'll never meet people I belong with. Maybe one day someone will feel close again, like my ex did, but right now I don't have that. I want to feel close. I want to relate.

3 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 8 years ago

    You need time to greive, recover and reasses your experiences. Then and  only then will you be a suitable partner in another relationship.

     

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  2. CecilB 8 years ago

    KD, I can understand how you feel.  I thought a few years ago, three years to be exact, I beat depression for good.  However, it's back, with a vengence.

    I know exactly how you feel, about everything being questionable, about being withdrawn, about all of your relationships suffering.  However, after my first serious fight with depression, I was able to come to an understanding with love and friendship.  Sometimes people like us, people prone to depression, put a lot of stock into relationships that really are not there.  You said you don't know if the ex really felt the same way.  Well, if she did, or did not, you're still a good person.

    One of my problems from the past was romanticizing my memories.  I always remembered the "good old days" in high school and college as being much better than they were.  This didn't do much good for me, as I was never able to escape how crappy I assumed my life was now.  However, once I took a real look at them, both the good and the bad, I realized that everything balanced out, and today is not as bad as yesterday. 

    I know that doesn't seem helpful, but sometimes it's good to look at things for what they really are.  Times aren't as good as they may have been, but they aren't as bad as they may seem.  Even with how I feel, I know I'll pull through eventually.  But it's hard.  It's very hard.

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  3. lovely 8 years ago

     It's so hard to jump in and make friends in this day and age, I think.  Keep trying, though.  Someone else out there wants to belong, I bet. 

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