I feel sad, because no one will really know me. As I become more alienated from my family, friendships have disapeared and all that's left is a work/school/sleep cycle mixed with the occasional hobby.
It's not to say I'm wasting time, I have much to do. I'm getting over spending a long time being very very sick, but I've got a 2000 page C#/NET book I'm going through, then I'm planning on learning Android programming (already know java), brushing up on PHP and JS, and working so hard just to find a new job. Another $1000-2000 a month will solve my biggest issue besides personal ones, which is just student loan debt. If I can pay that I won't worry about much in the way of money. I never really wanted a house or a bunch of expensive stuff, just enough to go do things I want do now and then. And of course, I stay busy in my studio, trying to play piano and make music and DJ, but it's slow and plodding as always.
Mostly though I know it's so hard for me to make friends, to meet people, to meet anyone. When my ex left I was saddest mostly because I know she was the closest I ever had to a best friend or a dear friend, and I know I loved her. Questionable if she ever loved me that way but I know I did and still do. So I suppose it's best she's gone because she needs to live her own life. But where do I go?
I don't fit in it seems, at raves or card shops or in classes or even at work. I just feel awkward and strange and confused and like I'll never meet people I belong with. Maybe one day someone will feel close again, like my ex did, but right now I don't have that. I want to feel close. I want to relate.