My last relationship was 7 years ago when I was in high school. It lasted a week after a few months of flirtation after we met during a rehearsal for our drama program. Before him was when I was 14 and ended when I was 16. It was an off and on, cheating and fighting. He pressured me to sleep with him so I ended it for good. The thing is I like being in a relationship when it’s effortless and isn’t full of drama. I like the idea of someone choosing to have affection for me rather than having to. I’ve endured a long history of emotional abuse so I’ve always thought poorly of myself. For a long time if someone treated me like crap that was normal to me but I also had limits to what I could take with sparactic moments of being able to stand up for myself.
So I’ve attempted to have relationships after high school by online dating with no success. The last time I tried probably stung the most. I talked to this guy who was 3 years older and we talked for 3 months. It was so easy to be honest with my history of depression because he also had a history of depression. He had experienced crashing and burning like I had. Before we could even meet he stopped speaking to me because he thought 3 years was too much of a difference. After my relapse into depression and developing even more severe trust issues to the point they were crippling.
Recently I’ve been having dreams of me being in a relationship probably because I am lonely. I don’t have friends, my family has depleated, so yeah I’m lonely. In the dreams I never see a clear face but we’re spending a lot of time together. It’s just going to Target and holding hands. Having fun doing the simplest things and I wake up. I crave it more than I have in the last two years. Do I want to do online dating and have the same outcome? Am I prepared for letting someone new in my life and be honest that the things in my life. My history with depression does make me insecure, my family situation makes me self conscious. Do I have too much baggage? And the scariest question: could someone love me after all that I’ve been through? Could I love someone?