I see all my friends living their life’s just fine but here I am, a prisoner to my thoughts. I can take something beautiful and pure and destroy it within seconds. I feel like I’m toxic to the people around me and everyone can tell. I can’t walk anywhere without noticing someone is watching me, judging every step, movement and thought. As if they can see right through me and see the difficulties I’m having in my own head. I hate myself because I know everything that is going on with me is my fault. Nobody is to blame for what I have, I’ve gone over it in my head countless times. I pray that one day my family understands that this is not their fault or thier problem. I hope that one day I wake up and this is all gone. As if I read it from a book before bed and had a dream about it. With everything I’ve been through in my life, this has been the hardest. I feel like I could watch my life from a perspective and still hate it. But then again, I put myself here. I don’t do anything to help myself but I’ll help someone else. I feel like I’m on an island of chaos that I’ve created and Ive destroyed the only way out, now everything is coming down on me and I’m slowly realising that this is it. Even in a sea of pills, I can see my destruction lying at the bottom waiting to pull me down and drown me. As I gasp for breath Everytime, I hear someone say “it’s just anxiety.” I await the day that anxiety takes you into it’s claws and crushes what you thought was reality. I want you to know how I feel, not understand it.
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Wow…. lots to take in but well put. I can relate. Im going to ask the first question everybody does because its the right thing to do. Have you seeked professional help? Depression anxiety and self loathing suck. I have them all as well. I want to chat with you.
Do you think you might have OCD? Repetative negative thoughts? Kind of sounds that way. You said THIS is the hardest thing you have ever been through. What is THIS…. Are you meaning your state of depression and self hate?
You obviously dont think you are worthy of anything thats good. Where do you think this stems from? You must have an idea. But I get you. I really do
By this I mean, the depression, panic attacks, self hate and getting to the understanding point. I have no idea what makes me feel this way, my therapists say they think it’s from my childhood. I’ve been dealing with whatever this is for almost 5 years and barley a few months ago they said it’s anxiety.
Of course its from the way you were brought up. You never had a fair chance and that sucks. A therapist is only going to validate all the things you already know inside. And hopefully assess you for possible medications. And of course we all need to vent. They are good for that too….as long as you can stay honest.
Yes, I have two therapists. I’d love to chat
what happened to you?
Are you still there? This site is kind of complicated to navigate.
My parents basically left me and my sister alone a lot, they were doing drugs. Would come home and fight in front of us, it would get bad, we would get involved. Never really had a stable place to stay, always moving, constantly fighting between my parents and drugs. After the divorced, my mom took us and I watched her do so many things a child should not see. She left me alone when I needed her the most and basically left me to do things on my own at 7. My sister always had friends so she never really seemed to be bothered by it. Lived in a car for two years with my mom and stuff got worse.. finally moved away from her. Got a nice relationship with my dad after her cleaned up his act. I’ve had crappy relationships, people like to use me and I let them. I recently saw two close people to me die with my own eyes within a year. Just so much crap has happened, I feel like I should be able to get passed it. I feel lost and confused.
You have had it rough. For sure. Right from the start you didnt get your basic needs met. You learned abandonment early on. That set the tone for your life. Thats really sad and feels unfair Im sure. You were exposed to adult situations that as a young person, you didnt know how to process it all. So you were forced to grow up fast. You were then left to your own devices to figure things out. How could you even do that with such a lack of guidence.
Your relationships, as Im sure you know are mimicked by your life situations. People take advantage of you (or at least thats how it feels) because you just need to feel wanted and needed.
Now all that being said, why would think you should get passed it? Would you give that advice to somebody who lived the same scenario in their life.? Of course not! Id be lost and confused to. I think its what you do with the experiences that matters now. You have to accept the ugly and unfair way you have been treated. I see you as a very strong and potentially helpful, wise person in your future!
A psychologist and psychiatrist?
In the process of getting one, my insurance is being difficult with me at the moment
Ya that always sucks. Where are you now in your life? Living with whom? working? sober or self medicating?
You have to be honest. I wont judge you… If you cant be honest with A COMPLETE stranger…. then how can you be honest with anybody who cares and judges you. I think its safer to be honest with a stranger.
Right now I live with my sister and my nieces and nephew, and my boyfriend. I haven’t been able to work, it’s gotten so bad that I feel unsafe leaving the house. I’m sober, other then the prescription pills. Never really liked drinking, I am under weight so when I cannot eat or haven’t eaten, I smoke a little bit of marijuana and that gets me to eat. I’m on 3 different pills, new pills every month or so. I’ve been through 6 different pills within 3 months, I hate taking pills, I hate the side effects and I get scared so it makes me not want to take them
Im taking a break from therapy. I got to point after 2 years that I found myself not being completely honest. I guess afraid she was going to judge me and think what a waste of time she spent with me in last 2 years. Im trying to get the nerve up to go back and tell the whole truth… but thats hard because I always care what people think of me. IT SUCKS
I have no reason to hide anything, I’ll be honest with whoever asks. I don’t have shame for what’s happened, I just want to understand and everyone else to realize that it’s not weak looking for helping or getting your story out there
Good for you! I have lots of reasons to hide lots of things. Few people really know me. I think Im just getting to know the real me in the past few years. Its been a long road!
How old are you? The anxiety has gotten so bad? Unsafe how? Be specific. Get it out! What pills are you taking and why havent you given them time to work. Most psychiatric meds takes several weeks to change the chemistry in the brain. Then they work. Sorry if I sound like a know it all, CUZ IM NOT AT ALL! But I do know somethings.I also take meds daily. Ive been a drug addict, pill popper, drinker…. you name it! I get addicted to anything that alters me enough to feel nothing….and that feels good!
Being around people is hard for me, I feel like I stand out and look insane. I stopped working because my boss didn’t understand what I was going through and made it harder. I’ve tired other jobs but it’s all the same. I just turned 21 last month, I feel unsafe because I know what I can do when I’m home but when there is people around me, I feel embarrassed so I hold it in until I can’t anymore, that’s when it gets worse. My whole body will cramp up and freeze and I’m unable to speak. I thought it was a stroke the first time it happened. I’m on propranolol for high blood pressure, and I just got two new pills today which are hydroxyzine and escitalopram. I was on duloxetine but they took me off because it made me feel edgy and they took me off lorazepam because I was getting addicted to it. Lorazepam made me feel safe and like I was just a bundle of joy. I’m only 93 pounds and I have to force myself to eat, I have no appetite at all.
I have similar experiences being around people. Always feel like Im being judged and looked down at. I have developed a defense mechanism over time. I can out on a MASK and pretend that Im ok and dont notice anybody thinking anything about me. My MASKS make life bearable. I have to go to work everyday and face the world. Im pretty good at it, but thats not the real me. I have a mask for everybody, just to get through my day. Im learning to stand in my own truth now. ITS HARD!
You said you freeze…. I do as well. Matter of fact when life feels overwhelming with problems and issues I completely freeze and block myself off from everything. Like NOTHIING IS HAPPENING AT ALL>
You say youre 93 pounds. Are you anorexic? I dont know much about anorexia axcept that its about control. I think.
I can put a mask on for about two hours, then it’s out of my control and I feel like a bomb. They haven’t diagnosed me as anorexic, just under weight. Maybe once every two weeks I get this uncontrollable hunger and I EAT EVERYTHING. But I can go days without eating to the point where my dad is forcing me to eat so I don’t just pass out. I hate everything I’ve become. It feels like 50 years ago but when I was 15 I was so out going, I could do anything and everything without a damn thing stopping me. I feel like I stop myself from everything now.. I hate myself for not being stronger.
Yeah getting caught inside your own head is wild ride.. I get the part about helping others I find comfort in that keeps me from thinking about me. I even find it comforting to get controlled anger squashes anxiety hard to fear when you are focused on the fight.
Most definitely easier to help others then it is to help myself. A lot of people tell me that I need to focus on myself but it’s so hard cause I don’t know what I need. How do you do the controlled anger??