Well today is pretty lousy. I don't feel like doing anything but lying in bed. I feel like I have no energy. Not even to want to sit up. I definitely feel pretty dead inside. I've been keeping to myself for days. My family doesn't give a crap. They're actually probably happier without me around. I admit I'm not a very pleasant person.
I just wanted some pancakes, and of course I got it slammed in my face. "Why are you making those? Those are for breakfasts!" Do I eat breakfast? Do I eat lunch? No and no. I guess I only get one meal a day. I guess because I sleep at a different time than they do I miss out on other meals. I can't just eat at a different time. No, of course not. Oh well. I like sleeping in the daytime and being up all night. At least then I get some peace and quiet when they're asleep. But I guess I sacrifice food for it.
Last year I tried so hard to gain weight. I finally got up to about 117 pounds. I was finally liking what I saw in the mirror. Now it's gone. Makes me think I'm not gonna want to go to the beach this summer. I'm so sick of people's comments. "You're so small!" Do I go around telling people how big they are? Maybe they should realize it's not a good thing. I see how people insult skinny people, perhaps to boost their own self esteem. So now I can quite confidently assure myself that I look ugly and gross. I feel like staying away from people to avoid getting any more stupid comments like that. Just don't mention someone's weight. Period.
I guess all along my medicine was working, nowthat I see what happens without it. Too bad it has to cost a fortune to get care. Some of us can't afford it. I miss my counselor. It was nice having someone to talk to. It hurts when your family can see something wrongwith you, or that it should be obvious but they don't notice. That you can tell them you really aren't doing well and that you wish you were never born and think about killing yourself and they just don't care. I want to leave this place. So bad. But I can't until I'm done with school. And I just can't do it with all this depression every day.
So today really is pretty lousy.
But…what is good about today? I'll think here for a sec. Um…that I'm warm. That's nice. And my kitty.
Who knows when it will be better. I thought I was feeling better. For a week or so. And then last night I felt better. But now…no.