a long time ago i resolved to get out of myhead and to get into the world i’m not there i have a few friends whom i am in seldom contact with i have effectivly shut myself off from the world and i hate that and all my woes came to a head when the festive season came.

My parents came to stay o joy. my mother has issues with weight deep deep deep issues that affect how she thinks and acts she is mean and cruel and yet i always say to myself she is herself and she cant mean to be mean.

since our last "issue" a few years ago she swore off "saying" anyhting to me / my sibling about our weight lives etc. she failed she failed first day off she failed and then it has gotten worse and worse im back in my head again the world were i put up with it, turn it inside and begin to hate myself because of how my mother sees me. I begin to hate me because of her and i, no, no one should ever have to go through that. ever. i hate this and i dont know what to do i dont feel like i can talk to anyone and have no one really to talk to .you are all i have left tribe.

To boot to end it all the one person who i have been trying so hard to trust i feel is taking advantage of me and using me and yet i feel as though if i break up with him then my life is really over cause even though i dont see him that often and we have our issues with initmacy? romance? he is almost all i have left in this country.

My lad i see seldomly, never tells me about anything important in his life and i have been supporting him for years. YEARS!! in sercret so no one would know (again mom and this time as wellsister issue) now he is out of a job and didnt tell me until he was jobless, he is in another country just when he has no job and no income and is begging me for money for  food and for this and that and i dont have it anymore.

every month i struggle i just break even if IF there’s no poblems and i give and give to him and  now i cant all of a sudden no when I called he claims his passports got stolen both of them!! and he has no money to delay the flight or to get another on and can i pay his insurance as well ? 

I know form the past he has been suicidal when things go wrong in his life i know that his situation was unstable from the get go i know that he has issues with NOT spending money and NOT getting into stupid debts I have always felt that truly he cares for me… I beleive that things in his past have made him into the emotional wreck that he is but after 4 YEARS we have hit a point where i dont feel like i can keep on with this shamble.

He leaves here with no job, no money, no home and travels, strands himself there and then "looses" a very valuable black market passport and what ! what am i supposed to do now huh? what? do i break up with him when he is virtually homeless, jobless and close to suicidal do i shut that chapter of my life and try to move on? do i stay with him and feel as though i am being used and let him what? live with me? live off me? continue to be distant with me?

and yet i feel that way because – well if feels wrong to kick someone as they ar edown. and more importantly i would sink even further into isolation from the world. tribers more than ever i need your help.

1 Comment
  1. angelious 13 years ago

    thank you both for your responses it means so much that someone is there who i can talk to. i look inside and i see options and i think i need the ocurage to go ahead the courage to do what may hurt so very much but should lead to so much more. thank you again i will speak agin soon

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