I wrote a comment on someone's page today, and it occurred to me that I may as well post it as a blog.  It sums up my situation as well as I prob would here, at the moment.  Any more detail would just gut me from the inside out, right now.

I am struggling with trying to stay off smack after a year clean.  It's killing me, because my life is shit, right now.  Maybe, it's the anniversary of the thing that is getting to me so much, coupled with the turmoil in my life.  It hasn't been this hard in ages. 

My life was hell a yr ago when I found DT, and I hated myself.  I did find help here, and that's why I am trying to drift back into the mix.  There's a lot of wreckage in my life.  Trying to put right all the mess has gone very poorly, and all I want right now is to shut it all out.  Whatever your stupid thing number one is, I get it, and I hope you win the day tomorrow.  That's all we really have I guess.  I am not a twelves stepper, but it is all day by day.  We try.  What else can we do?  Good luck with tomorrow.  Fight the good fight, with whatever it is.  Some days, that's all we've got – trying to feel good about not giving up.  I failed to feel good about it today, but I am still off dope.  That is no real comfort tonight, but it will matter tomorrow.

I am grateful for the people who try to look after me.  My girl Alice, and my dear friend Ace, who is an extraordinary person.  He saved my life when I found this site, and I hope I am ultimately worth the effort.  I carried on about killing myself today, and I know that hurt him a lot, and I hate doing that.  It was just my truth today, and we always try to tell each other the absolute truth, no matter how much it sucks.  I know some people would consider me very lucky.  Few heroin addicts get out from under it.  I guess, I am hardly out of the woods, even after a year.  Even when I want to give up more than anything, I still hang on.  But, one of my reasons for doing so seems to be slipping away.  Some people become a part of you, and no matter how much you wish you could stop feeling as powerfully as you do about them, you just can't stop.

I think I deserve a little forgiveness.  A little understanding…

I try.



 

2 Comments
  1. conflicted 11 years ago

    I too, get where you are coming from. Struggling with addiction is so hard. I have a few, drugs just being one of them. Every day seems like a struggle and I usually have to give myself excuses to live. Its rather tragic..and just when I do start to feel good about myself, I always self destruct. I still can't figure out why…

    I agree 100% about someone becoming a part of you, and it' is so powerful…I've tried for years to let go…but it doesn't take much to get sucked back in..Congrats on getting off that stuff, I have heard it's tough. I wish you all the best..if you ever need to talk…I'm here!!

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  2. sadjac 11 years ago

    Hey Kit. Good to see your still around. Keep up the good fight. xx Jac

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