Depression:
I’ve seen the commercials about how depression not only affects you, but it can also affect your relationships as well. I didn’t realize how true this is. I am almost 22 years old, married to a wonderful man who loves and supports me, and am the mother of the most precious baby boy you’ll ever meet…but somehow I am still depressed. I’ve battled with minor depression most of my life and didn’t actually become aware of it until the last two years. I’m not sure which of my symptoms are associated with depression but here’s a few things I am going through. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Its not only because my body aches from one end to the other, as if I’ve endure a rigous workout, but also because I lack all motivation and drive. I feel sluggish basically all the time. I drink a few monters a day just to get out of bed and function.
I find it very hard to enjoy things I used to. I don’t have the drive to participate in any of my old hobbies and have lost interesting in basically everything I used to love. I try despritely to make myself happy, or at least pretend I am. I watch only comedy movies and read jokes to make myself smile. I’ve read somewhere that if you can force yourself to smile a little bit, it can change your entire mood. There is some truth to this statement.
I don’t want to be touched. My body aches and I have little intrest in romantic relations with my own husband. Its not him at all, it’s all me and I am well aware. Sometimes it makes me feel like a bad wife. Even him hugging me hurts sometimes. I can tell that I am more emotional that I used to be. I can break down and cry almost any moment, I don’t even need a reason. This is strange because I’m not the crying type.
Most of my thoughts are very negative. I suffer from ADHA so I can’t control where my mind wonders. I used to think everyone was like this but I’m learning they aren’t. I used to think people were crazy when they said close your eyes and picture so and so, because I can’t. I close my eyes and my mind decides for me. Its usually something very negative like death of a loved one. I can’t go to sleep without tv on to occupy my thoughts or I’ll have night terrors. In fact, I can’t be alone with my thoughts very long at all without falling into a deep depression. I start thinking about either, where I want to be in my life that I’m not or something just out right horrible. Speaking of sleep…I don’t. I have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep every single night but now they aren’t even working. I toss and turn all night unable to rest. Even when I do sleep, I don’t actually rest.

I have zero self-esteem. Sometimes I lie or exaggerate a story to make myself look and feel better but only end up feeling more sorry for myself because I feel the need to do this. I look in the mirror and all I see is ugliness and fat!! I have even given up on trying making myself appear presentable. I’ll leave the house with jeans and a t-shirt, no makeup, and my hair all a mess. I feel horrible about myself all the time but have no drive to even try to make it better.
I have rapid mood swings I can’t control. I think it’s worse now that it was when I was pregnant. My poor husband is trying so hard to be supportive but he doesn’t even know where to start. I have a lot of past issues, such as sexual trauma (rape), father issues, abandonment, and loss of a beloved brother. My husband is trying to help me threw all these but he can only do so much. I don’t trust anyone and expect everyone is out to get me, especially men.

I have some control issues as well. I suffer from anxiety so the way I counter act the things I’m afraid of, is by trying to control the outcome of situations. I over analyze everything and make plans, they seem to comfort me. I guess because I have so little control over what goes on inside my own mind, I feel the need to compensate by controlling the things I think I can. I have trouble admitting I am wrong. This is partially because of my control issues, but a self-esteem issue as well. My control issue runs deep. I’m afraid of deep water because I can’t touch the bottom. I fear heights for the same reason. I’m afraid of enclosed spaces. I’m afraid of airplanes, fast anything, and the end of the world. I fear everything I can’t personally control. There are some of my fears I can endure but there are some I still can’t face.

I’ve recently started having panic attacks. I also bite my wrist when I get excited, either in a good way or bad. My inner lip is torn to pieces. I get stressed out very easily. I’ve currently began vomiting due to my stress. I try breathing exercises and meditation, but you have to be able to clear your mind for that to be effective.

My self-esteem issues have taken a toll on my marriage. I feel so unconfident with myself, I get jealous very easily and even compare myself to every one of my husband’s ex-girlfriends, despite how long ago they were an item. If he even says a name, I instantly imagine them together and wonder if she was better than me. I wonder if he misses her or would prefer her if he could have her back. If he tells me of an instant they were together, everything about the story will remind me of her and put me in a bad mood. Such as, my husband told me of a girl he was “with” at Temberline apartments when he lived there. Now, everything the name of the apartments is brought up or anything related to the story, I think of her and him together. Its like that with every one of his ex’s. I don’t even want to hear about him in highschool because I know of his girlfriend from then. I don’t let him talk about college because he slept around then and it bothers me because that’s all I can think about. It’s really got nothing to do with him, it’s all me and the way my mind works. I’m so negative all the time and I can’t help it.

My need for order also causes me to have a bit of OCD. I go stir crazy if a house is messy, especially my room. I can breathe easier in a clean room somehow. I will spend hours cleaning but due to my depression, I don’t have the drive to do it like I want to, so it messes with my ocd, causing me to become even more depressed. I get angry when stepping over stuff and lash out at my husband. Granted some, if not most, of the clutter is due to him, its not the best way to handle the situation and it’s not his fault it affects me the way it does.
I have attempted suicide on two different occasions, both with pills and was told it was a side effect of the medication I was taking, ironically for depression. I have so many reasons to be happy but I’m not. My son is perfect, my husband is loving, my family is supportive, we are getting our own apartment, I’m about to get a car of my own, and still I’m not happy. I feel like there’s something wrong with me but I’m afraid to try any more medications because I keep having side effects to them.

What I am wondering is, is this considered normal depression or sever depression?