I spoke too soon about the Ativan. It’s true that over the weekend I felt so much better after taking it, and was able to forget about the psychosis for a few days, but I think part of it had to do with the fact that my husband was with me too. I took two Ativan today (spaced out, not at the same time) and I’m dealing with panic and psychosis just as if I hadn’t taken it. Well, that’s not totally true, I do feel considerably better, but I feel like I’m just on the edge of it. The world still looks weird to my eyes, I still feel like I’m disintegrating and I have had a bit of the bad voice too. The best effect of the Ativan is that it’s been shutting up the bad voice. Not completely, but significantly. I wish my doctor had given me more than just 14 tablets, because she gave me a very low dose, and I need something stronger. If I can’t get ahold of my psychiatrist this week, I will need her to send over another prescription for Ativan.

In any event, I’m grateful for the weekend and how lovely it was. I think for me it was the combination of the Ativan plus my husband’s presence that helped. I don’t feel safe going out for a walk. If I were pregnant I would force myself to. I took a pregnancy test yesterday, and it came out negative. I’ve been having some pregnancy symptoms- nausea, heartburn, enlarged breasts. I haven’t have a period since last fall, so I guess I’m not ovulating either. I can attribute the symptoms to my medications. Seroquel can cause enlarged breasts. As an A Cup, I certainly don’t mind! As long as it’s not painful or harmful, I don’t mind. My husband will be home in an hour and fifty minutes. I can do this! I just have to!

How I wish I had the freedom to go out for a walk whenever I wanted. The world is just too scary out there to go. I hate this. I had a reprieve from the nonsense this weekend, but today I feel like I’m back to square one. I think tomorrow I will take two Ativan simultaneously. That seems to do the trick. It’s true that everything looks just as dark and creepy as ever to my eyes, even though over the weekend it seemed to get a little better. I guess my husband is the key. I’m going to lie down for another cat nap. Dinner is made, the house is clean, I am ready.

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