I will never be good enough.
As a child, I was raised with the idea that I have to be good enough to make the people around me proud, that I always have to not just meet but surpass everyone's expectations. Belonging from a family of over achievers has taught me that nothing and no one will ever be good enough.
For the longest time I have been striving so hard to uphold my family's name, to become what everyone wanted me to be but all of the hardships and hardwork that I have put myself through just broke me, destroyed me even.
Now that all I am is just skin and bones,a girl with a pale face, given capacity to have a little more intellegence than most people do. Broken, defeated, sad and alone. Living in a life of pretensions.
As ironic as it may seem. Everyone looks at me like I am something beautiful, like I am a piece from a collection of glass artworks. Just plain stupid. How can something so sad and so broken seem so beautiful to another person. How can a clear manifestation of self loathing be deemed as something nice to look at. As if they do not know that I am living with monsters inside me, as if they did not notice that I have been struggling from day after day fighting the same demons that they have given me.
Waking up wishing I never did and going to sleep praying that I never wake. Spending my days pretending to be happy, to be strong while I am breking on the inside, with every blow that they deliver to me. My nights are no different, except that the struggle is within me. At day I endure being antagonized by them, at night I face the war inside my head, I wallow in the misery.
Spending my life trying and miserably failing to be good enough for everyone around me made me hate myself. Now when I face the mirror all I see is a person who will never be enough for anyone, not even for herself.