So, I had a lousy afternoon – a lame series of events caused me to be late to my appointment. My fault, ultimately, of course, and since I was 15 minutes late, I had to reschedule. September 2nd! A month away! I have to see my reg doc to see if anythign can be done prior to then – meds, or whatever, because I am just f@cking dying at this point. So sick, every morning, with so little patience left…
I don’t think I will go back to smack to manage the pain – I think I can gut it out, but this has broken me down before. I just need to do whatever it takes not to go there, again. I can’t go back. Any chance I have at a real life, or real, sustainable happiness, however tenuous, it’s all about me staying off that shit. Because, nothing good can grow when you poison the soil.
And, heroin is definitely poison. A seductive poison – one that blots out all pain. That’s about as appealing as a drug gets to a sad person, but… before long, it’s bringing you new pain – more pain than you’ve ever dreamed possible. Withdrawal makes your bones hurt from the inside – your joints feel like they are grinding together, raw, with no cushioning, and your body is constantly rattled by cold sweats, twitching, tingles, and jarring pain (like feeling your stomach acid sloshing around, and throwing up all the time). People kick their crampy legs around, in bed, almost involuntarily – it’s an impulse that you can’t really resist, because of the constant stiffness and discomfort. That’s where the term "kicking" comes from – you literally "kick" through the withdrawal all night, while you’re "kicking the habit." The term "cold turkey" comes from the cold clammy, goose bumped feel of a person’s skin when they are in withdrawal – like the cold skin of a plucked, ready-to-bake, turkey (supposedly – I have never actually conducted a comparison. I’m a vegetarian, and don’t sport with carcasses)..
I hope everyone is well. My efforts to pull myself together have met with mild success. I am a little better. Still anxious, paranoid, and cofused.
Not having known these experiences myself I cannot not grasp what you”ve been through but it sounds like you know what awaits behind that door.
However my wife has been through withdrawels. A few years ago she was experiencing back pain and for a year she was bouncing back and fourth from doctor to doctor all with their own opinions and that whole year she had a steady supply of vicadin and muscle relaxers (which did nothing for her pain). Long story short the pain was excruciating and I had to help her use the bathroom and the last doctor we say finally suggested an MRI where we found a tumor in her spine. Thankfully it wasn”t cancerous and surgery gave her immediate relief and she hasn”t had anymore issues. But that year supply of vicadin and constant drugs at the hospital (all like I said didn”t help because it was nerve pain) was hard for here to go off. She was prescribed a methodone regiment but she decided to go cold turkey and for 3 weeks she made me very nervous especially when I would be working night shifts. I was there for her as much as I could be and she made it through fine.
I hope you can too, stay strong and I wish you luck. I”m sure most people here including me would be willing to talk you through any rough spells.
-WTIL