Im am the type of person who has always worn her heart on her sleeve.. and its not by choice. They say that being that type of person. The type of person who cares for everyone in their lives.. the person who truly and genuinely wants to help other people and be there for others no matter what the cost. Who bends over backwards, drops everything and even pushes her own issues aside to help, support, or lend an ear no matter what; that kind of person is a blessing..
I can agree with that, but I also think it is my curse. I trust people, I will do whatever it takes to help make someones day better, even if mine is awful. I am the person who time and time again gets let down and screwed over and walked on. But I forgive or make up an excuse I my head just to keep moving. My heart has been burned, it has been torn, it has been ripped apart and sewn back together in so many different way, so many different times, I cant even count. But I keep doing what I’m doing because “it’s a blessing” that I care so much. It is a good trait to care and trust people over and over again. I tell myself that all this caring, all of this effort to help others, or be there to encourage them and be positive with them whenever they are in need, is worth it. This is because I believe that when my time comes, they will all be there for me. And do all the things ive done for them, and tell me all the things ive told them. They will sacrifice their issues to help me with mine.
But time and time again, when the times comes where pushing things aside becomes impossible to do anymore and I am on my breaking point, no one is there, no one “sees my need for help”. And if I ask.. its like I am a burden. And because I wear my heart on my sleeve I feel that my issues are a burden on others because they have enough on their minds and on their shoulders. It is a ridiculous thought, I know but it is true and I cant help myself. Those who really and truly know me, know that I never ask for anything, I smile and put on my “mask” no matter how bad my day is just to be their for them.
I have been through so much in my life, more than most people my age. And I have gotten myself through it. But recently I have had a life changing surgery, I planned my life around it. Ive reached out to people telling them that it was going to take time for me to heal and that I am going to be a mess, physically, mentally/emotionally. That I was going to need their help, their support and patience through it all. I told myself that no matter what they would be there because all of these years ive been there for them no matter how bad the situation. And yet I am baffled and surprised and heartbroken to find some of the closest people in my life disappearing on me. I cant do much right now while I am healing so sitting around overthinking is not a good thing.. they know me, they know how I work, how my mind works, how guilty I feel not being able to be the normal me. And yet once again I find that im upset, I am disappointed, I am just emotionally hijacked. Like this is the first time ive ever been let down. But for me this surgery has been such a big scary stressful thing, ive really needed unconditional support. Ive needed someone to hold my hand and cheer me up. And I find myself sitting here writing all of this hoping someone out there will lend me a hand. Lend me some positive advice telling me that in the end no matter what happens or how all of this turns out, I will be ok!
People like me who wear their heart on their sleeves are forced to know that life every minute is important and that some people we let ourselves care about no matter how much we try to help or support them, in the end is going to let us down, its just one more lose somewhere down the line for this reason or that. Some people don’t make friends in fear of the let down. but the rest of us we make it our job to move forward with each loss. Because even when it sucks and is more painful a lose than you can handle. We know that somewhere we have done some good. And we know that even if we try not to care, we do. Even though I am heartbroken and literally broken.. I know that my heart is still there… my blessing and my curse will never leave me.. no matter how many times it is ripped apart I somehow figure out how to mend it and move on.